Actors' Union Introductory Class: Observations of a "Goofy White Guy" Moving Up In The World of Entertainment

by Aaron Abrams

10:05 AM: Teacher Lady arrives late, appologizes and disappears.

10:09 AM: Teacher Lady re-enters with a cup of coffee.

10:10 AM: Teacher Lady introduces herself. She is an East Indian mother of two who appears to have come to Canada only recently. The class collectively leans forward to show its support as she occasionally fails to say the right words. Teacher Lady wants the class to introduce themselves, and explain why they are here. She, for example, is here because she really, really loves the union. And it is her job.

10:30 AM: Introductions. Lebanese Dude with highlights was on Queer as Folk. Everybody in the room subsequently believes him to be gay. Old Black Man has played wise old men in various movies. He wears round spectacles. Superhot Chick danced in a sugar commercial. Everybody subsequently believes her to be superhot. Italian MachoMan was a street thug in a movie. Everybody subsequently believes him to be hererosexual. Goofy White Guy made funny faces in a car commercial. He believes this meeting is a sign he is moving up in the world. He begins dating Superhot Chick inside his brain.

11:05 AM: East Indian Teacher Lady assigns the class its "culture code" for filling out certain audition forms. Goofy White Guy is given a C (Caucasian). Luckily, every code on the list fits with somebody in the room, except the NAI (North American Indian).

11:30 AM: Italian MachoMan leans over and whispers the teacher's name, "Indira," trying not to laugh.

11:35 a.m. Superhot Chick does not seem impressed by the fury with which Goofy White Guy writes in his little book. Goofy White Guy likes that. She's down to earth. Superhot Chick says 'excuse me' when he sneezes. Goofy White Guy takes their relationship to the next level inside his brain.

12:30 PM: East Indian Teacher Lady explains that those with a handicap or of a visible minority need three credits to join the union instead of 6. She elaborates on the similarities between being a minority and having a disability and why both need special treatment. She motions toward Old Black Man. "There may be no movies for a six-foot-five servant or track runner." The black man nods and says "that's true." He must be cutting her some slack because of her difficulty with the language.

12:33 PM: Italian MachoMan leans over and whispers "a visible minority is the visible majority." He's not laughing. He looks pissed off.

12:35 PM: East Indian Teacher Lady also points out that "because of where some people were born, they have awful accents. And in this business, that can be the same as not being able to walk. I mean, have you heard these Newfoundlanders?"

1:15 PM: Superhot Chick takes her shoes off and sits on her feet. Goofy White Guy finds this adorable. She says something about the government that sounds intelligent. Goofy White Guy smiles at her. She smiles back.

1:20 PM: Lebanese Dude asks if he qualifies as a minority. Old Black Man says "Hell yeah, brother!" He lifts his fist into the air and laughs. For a moment everyone is terrified.

1:40 PM: Teacher Lady struggles to explain that the union defends "the coloured people... the... Orientals," She mimes slanted slashes around her eyes to illustrate.

1:45 PM: Old Black Man says that he loves Steven Seagal. He was a gentleman on the set of Exit Wounds. The teacher says the union had problems with that film. "Some people were hurt fairly badly," she says, presumably referring to deceased stuntman Chris Lamon.

1:50 PM: Lebanese Dude asks about his rights pertaining to a situation in which he refused to do any more episodes of Queer as Folk when they asked him to do "all that gay sh... stuff." The class rethinks its assumptions about him.

1:51 PM: Italian MachoMan leans over and whispers "I just love that show. I love it, love it, love it."

1:52 PM: Old Black Man says "Steven Seagal is a brilliant actor, really. Not many people know that." The class stares at him. He takes off his round spectacles and cleans them.

1:53 PM: Superhot Chick whispers to Other Chick that she hitched a ride from Calgary with some "sugar daddy" she picked up so she could stay out here. She can't believe her big break is going to come so early in her career. "I'm not even trying, really!" she says. Goofy White Guy and Superhot Chick begin seeing other people inside his brain.

1:54 PM: East Indian Teacher Lady concludes the meeting on a personal note. "I've loved entertainment since I was a child growing up in Toronto," she says, "and now my whole adult life is this business. I've stopped caring about anything else." It seems she doesn't have a problem with the language. She is, in fact, quite eloquent.

2:01 PM: The Goofy White Guy moving up in the world of entertainment practices making funny faces in the mirror of the elevator on his way back down.

Author's Note:
The times indicated are lies. The Italian MachoMan showing gayish tendincies was also a lie. They were included to make it more entertaining for you, the reader.