All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Maximum Security Prison

by Liam Eagle

All I really need to know about where to go and what to think and feel and do when I get there, and while I'm on my way there, I learned in maximum security prison. The truth was not on the sun-splashed meadows of freedom, but here in the painted-brick halls of lifelong incarceration.

These are the things that I learned. Every act has a consequence. No talking when the Warden is talking. Do unto others exactly as you are fucking told to. The "pick a fight with the toughest guy on the first day so nobody will fuck with you" strategy, unfortunately, requires you to fight the toughest guy in a prison. The toughest guy in a prison, usually, is a very tough guy. Acting like a tough-guy is the quickest way to get yourself made into somebody's bitch. If you're not bad enough to defend yourself physically against the hard-asses, try serving them in some sort of spineless errand-boy capacity. Another option is to smuggle in goods that have value for them, like drugs and cigarettes. You can also make them think you're crazy. A good way to do that is to mix your shit and piss in a squirt-bottle and spray it at people. And no talking after lights-out.

Ass-rape is not always about sex. When being fucked in the ass against your will, it helps to imagine it's your wife fucking you in the ass with a Coke bottle, or something. When being forced to suck a cock, it helps to imagine it's your wife's cock you're sucking. "The Hole" is way worse than you think. A lot of things can be sharpened to fashion a crude home-made stabbing instrument, or "shiv." When you really get down to it, the only real hiding place any of us has is the ass. Way, deep in the ass. They can take away your freedom, your privacy, your basic dignities and, despite what you may think, they can take away your spirit also. Crime doesn't pay. And, most of all, even though you sometimes feel like running away from your problems, no-one ever makes it. No one.