Arguments You Can Use To Help Justify Stealing Music Off The Internet
by Enis Esmer
Hey there music lover! By now you know all about the wonderful world of internet music downloads. Isn’t technology great? Unfortunately, some people don’t like music being available for free. Not hippies, or commies. I’m talking about “record companies,” “musicians,” and “people with a conscience.” They think it’s wrong that music “piracy” has become a worldwide phenomenon. Well, boo hoo for them! We all know there’s nothing wrong with “pirating” music, but in case you encounter a friend, record exec or Dr. Dre on the street, you can use these arguments to help justify your swashbuckling ways. There’s something here for everybody.
The Frugal Young Man
I don’t have a lot of money to spend on CDs. That used to be a problem, but now that I can get almost all the music I want for free online, I have more money to spend on other things, like the various babies I have by different mothers.
The Social Scientist
As far as I’m concerned, burning CDs is a natural progression from recording songs off the radio and copying albums on cassette. The computer, and more specifically the Internet, is the medium of today’s world, and the growth of online file-sharing is one of many continuing examples of the ubiquity of that medium. Now, a kid in Kashmir, where I’m sure every household has a computer, can hear music he probably couldn’t find at his local record outlet in whatever mall he hangs at following the public schooling he has access to.
The Failed Musician
Music is about expression. It’s a person’s soul. It’s everywhere. It’s all around us. How can you sell that? Also, food is all around us. How can you sell that, or designer footwear?
The People’s Champ
I can’t believe musicians are complaining about this. What do they care? They already have tons of money. What’s the difference if they sell 10 million copies or 8 million? It’s ridiculous. They live in this sheltered, pampered world while the little people have to struggle for survival. Screw them. I see absolutely nothing wrong with downloading music. It’s a victimless crime, just like credit card fraud and when I sneak into my roommate’s room while he’s at work and wipe my pee-dribble on his bed sheets.
The Mixed Metaph-Orator
Music is finally being liberated from the corporate prison that has pimped it out all these years, like a warden who pimps out his inmates, or a pimp who is also a warden.
The Fan
People say that downloading music is stealing. I didn’t steal the CD. I didn’t rob a music store. I didn’t kidnap Avril Lavigne, lock her in my basement and demand through a P.A. system from behind a two-way mirror that she sing for me in exchange for food and light. I didn’t watch her carefree teen spirit deteriorate inside that cage, all the while yearning to whisk her away to a world where she would understand and accept me, where we could live in harmony, feeding each other grapes and fruit until such time as it became legal for me to enter her. I didn’t do that.
The Porn-Lover
Hey, at least I’m not downloading porn. Okay yes I am. I love porn!
The Disoriented Traveller
Where I’m from, we don’t have an established social foundation in which a pre-determined monetary system would allow for the equitable exchange of goods and/or services. Well, we do in a sense, but instead of your “dollars” we have something called “units,” which are inputted electronically through lines of binary code embedded into submicroscopic ports in our fingertips. I would have… I suppose your equivalent word would be “paid,” but I could not find a single Unit Exchange Registry Module anywhere. I must admit ever since my Quadridimensional Transporter’s malfunction caused me to detour into… I can’t believe I’m saying this… the twenty-first century, I’ve had a lot of trouble fitting in to your world. If you could lead me to the nearest United Nations outpost, I’m sure we can get this sorted out.
