A Point-by-Point Preview of the Upcoming Awards Show Season

by Aaron Abrams

The awards season is upon us. Time for celebs to come out, get dressed up real fancy, go to stuffy functions, get blitzed and make asses of themselves on my television screen. Aaaah, I can't wait. The first of the big trifecta of awards shows is 'The Peoples Choice Awards' and lucky for them, I live in Canada and don't get premiere of 'The Sheild.' So instead, I decide to take a ride aboard the award show hype train and see what I, a 'The People,' have chosen.

- The Host. The host is the producer's most important decision. He can make or break your awards show. Eddie Murphy's masterful hosting job single-handedly put the MTV awards on the map and Oscar Host Steve Martin is doing a damned fine job of scrubbing the Whoopi Goldberg skid-marks from the underwear of our minds. The host is your MVP, your franchise player; it all rides on him. And tonight's host is Tony Danza. What- Tony Danza. What- Danza. Yeah. Okay. Now, Am I to understand that a at some point in the history of the world, in some board room, somewhere, some guy turned to some other guy and said, "Who's that one man with the charisma, the talent, the comedic timing? Who would The People choose to host their show? Two words: Dan-za." What- Danza. Yeah. What- no. I don't think so. Never happened. I have some other theories as to what really happened in that room.

1. "Okay people. Tomorrow is the show and we're in trouble. We were never more than a popularity contest. But now, with the MTV awards doing the same thing better, we're more irrelevant than sending Miss New Jersey to the Miss America pageant. No celebrity will host our show with a ten foot pole. Jim Breuer? Said he was busy. Larry Czonka? Busy. Sinbad? Washing his hair. Although... Tony Danza's been calling..."

2. "Holy shit. That was a lot of heroin... Hey. You know what would be really fuckin funny..."

Either one of those two. Or somebody somewhere owed somebody a favor. And that somebody was a big Tony Danza fan. As far as I can figure, those are the only ways it coulda gone down.

- The announcer comes over the P.A. "And please welcome your host, Tony Danza!" What- yeah. What- he said it. It's official. I'm not dreaming. I can not wake up. "Who is accompanied by a very special guest... Italian Ice!" Dancing Girls converge from either side. A generic Hip-Hop beat comes on. Lights up on Tony Danza wearing a white jump-suit and a Italian Flag headwrap. He looks like a combination of a bad mid-eighties wrestling idea gone horribly wrong and a bad mid-eighties actor gone horribly batshit. And then the world opens its eyes wide and gazes into... The Twilight Zone. Tony Danza is rapping. He raps long and he raps hard. Then he tap-dances. What- Yeah. Tap. Dances. Tony Danza is tap-dancing while he raps. Go back and read that sentence again. Tony Danza is tap-dancing while he raps. Visualize it. Feel that? Yeah. Let it come over you, like a cool wave of pudding. The only rapper ever to wear tap shoes; Tony Danza. The world is staring, unable to look away, reeling... fascinated... Rod Serling says "There's a road sign up ahead..."

I now retract the derogatory stuff I said about The Peoples Choice committee. They are geniuses. This is the kind of trainwreck a television veiwer dreams of. How can anyone turn this off?

- A brief history lesson. My two favourite speeches ever have been at the Peoples Choice Awards. Sly Stallone's two word speech when he yelled "Yo America!" and walked off the stage to a standing ovation. Truly insanesational. And when Bill Cosby won for the umpteenth time and said, very seriously, "Please leave me alone. Don't nominate me again. I have work to do," and walked off the stage. This is still the scariest and strangest acceptance speech I have ever seen. The Coz freaked out the whole room. Also, he was wearing one of those sweaters, at an AWARDS CEREMONY. I forget. Why were we surprised when he turned out to be nuts? And after remembering these moments, and seeing Danza rap n'tap, I'm officially excited for the show.

- Bonnie Hunt is the first presenter. "Snoop Doggy Danza, hunh?" She says. I start to feel sick to my pants. Oh man. This is going to get worse before it gets better. I retract my retraction about the committee. Remember when I retracted the derogatory stuff about the People's Choice commitee? Yeah. Go ahead and put that derogatory shit back in there.

- Tony Danza introduces John Ritter and they exchange pleasantries. What year is this? What's going on? Katey Segal is there. I recognize her as the mom from Married with Children. "Ohhhh," I realize. "It's 1987." And while I'm talking about Katey Segal; what's the story with her breasts? Does anyone know? Did she have fake ones and then get them out? Were they just smooshed all up on the show to get that "Peggy Bundy Effect?" Someone get back to me on this. I want it on my desk by the end of the week.

- They show clips of "Friends." Two things: Lisa Kudrow could never deliver a punchline if she wasn't allowed the word 'Um.' And two: I declare that Skinny Matthew Perry is funnier. Fat Matthew Perry seemed angry or something. I never quite trusted him, y'know?

- The A-List Celebs: An important part of the Awards show. And there seem to be none on hand here. There is one that kinda looks like a skinny, not-so-good-looking version of Jennifer Aniston. Oh wait. That is Jennifer Aniston. She is walking with a cane. I don't get it. Why is she walking with a cane? Maybe Danza cut her toe off so she couldn't leave, like they did to Gary Oldman in "Romeo is Bleeding." Or maybe she's actually way older than she appears, she's just been telling us she's young, like those ballplayers from the Dominican. You know, it would the explain her increasing decrepedness... think about it people.

- It is announced that we have "a tie." Note to Awards Shows: Nothing ruins the credibility of your awards show like "a tie." Oop. I stand corrected. Nothing ruins the credibility of your awards show like a tie between Creed and The Dixie Chicks.

- I uncover the answer to the long-debated question "Who is the hottest Dixie Chick?" The correct answer is "None." Also, never trust a chick who refers to herself as "a chick." This is a trick she is using to make herself appear attractive. She isn't.

- Best Actor Award. And The Nominees are.... Mel Gibson, Tom Hanks and Denzel. Yawn. I'm yawning because I'm so sleepy. Couldn't these be the nominees every year? I mean if they're giving Denzel a nomination for "John Q," he isn't getting knocked out of the top three any time soon. This catagory needs to be spiced up and re-worked. May I suggest an "Actor Most Likely to Crack the Top Three in Ten Years if Denzel Takes One Too Many Artistic Roles In a Row" award? Implementing this rule gives the Ashton Kutchers and Scott Caans in the world a shot at something. Er. You know what? Retract my idea.

- So far only one winner has been on hand to accept their prestigious award. Note to Awards Shows: new rule- if you're not there, you can't win. Nobody wants to see a video screen of a famous celebrity "On Set." It's awkward. It's like watching someone accept a shitty gift. When they open that mysterious box from that quiet uncle and pretend to smile. "Ohhhh, a People's Choice Award. I've always wanted one of these... things. Thanks uncle Danza."

- Another new rule- If you are the only nominee to show up, you lose. Whenever there is only one of the nominees in a certain category present, everybody knows she's going to win. Ruins the tension. I want to see LOSERS IN THE AUDIENCE. Nothing makes an awards show like when a celeb says "Fuckin' Bullshit" after he loses. Nobody watches car races to see who wins; they want wreckage and carnage and a car flying up into the audience and killing dozens of spectators. Did anyone check out Burt Reynolds's reaction when he lost the Oscar to Robin Williams? He had a stroke. Right there. It was the best. That's what you want. Celebs. Having strokes.

- Tony Danza just gave a shout out to "his posse." Seriously, was Emilio Estevez busy? Rick Moranis? A monkey? Now Tony Danza is up there presenting awards. Am I to understand that they couldn't get enough people to present? Tony Danza just "raised the roof," accepted an award for Eminem, and said "Yo. I think this is dope dogs." Visions of Eminem kicking Tony Danza's ass dance through my head like sugarplums.

- Treat Williams enters. By the way, Treat has the most misleading first name in history. He uses my "only rapper to wear tap shoes" joke. I feel very, very bad about myself.

- Danza is playing the trumpet. What- yeah. Playing the trumpet. A whole song. An interlude. A serenade. A serenade from Tony Fuckin' Danza. The crowd collectively picks their jaws up off the ground and calls their agents to fire them for advising that they attend.

- Danza introduces Jason Alexander as "Jason 'I love Fried Chicken' Alexander." I think this makes me sad. What happened here? When did it become alright to mock the cast of the greatest show of all time? And what can we do to stop it? On my desk. Friday.

- John Ritter is now accepting an award for best television actor. I say again: What year is this? Who are these "people" and did they know they were "choosing?" Upon seeing this, in some room, somewhere some guy turns to some other guy and says "get me Joyce DeWitt on the phone!"

- Update: Tony Danza is bringing out his kid to show her off. His daughter. That's right. I'm figuring out his angle. Quantity. Just pile it all on. Danza is a man of many talents. None of them entertaining, but hey, he does a lot of 'em. He taps, he boxes, he makes children...

- Note to Awards Shows: Who cares who wins? Nobody. I mean, nobody watches downhill skiing to see who goes the fastest. Nobody watches skateboarding clips on ESPN2 to NOT see a kid break his collarbone. And back in the day, the days of Stallone, Cosby, Burt Reynolds (15 years ago) and Burt Reynolds (4 years ago); celebrities knew how to make asses of themselves. They knew how to make these things entertaining. To these kids today, it's just part of being famous. It's like another step, another option you can take to jumpstart your career. The industry used to be hilarious because it was so very proud. Now, kitch is ruling over pride and there is no such thing as shame. Without stakes of shame and pride; it takes away all the value in catching a starlet flushing her career down the toilet because she's all fucked up on ludes. Or watching the "New European Hearthrob" strangle a cameraman. I love unintential hollywood hilarity more than anything, and considering my love for it; if you had told me 5 years ago that Tony Danza would be rhyming "Sippin' on Cris" with "Micheal Chiklis" on the People's Choice Awards, I would have plotzed right there. That's right; plotzed. But today, I change the channel. Maybe catch an old episode of Win, Lose or Draw. One where Burt draws on Dom DeLuise's face with a permanent magic marker. And you knew Burt was drugged up and even though Dom was laughing on the outside, he was going home to sob into a cream pie. Aaaah, those were the days.