I'm Better Than You
by Enis Esmer
I'm better than you, and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm bigger than you, I'm stronger than you, I get more ladies than you, my gym membership comes with more benefits than yours. I mean, I work as a bouncer. Do you know how near-perfect a specimen you have to be to land a gig like that? Now I get to pick who comes into this exclusive dance club night after night. And you don't.
I'm better than you. For crying out loud, just look at all the bit parts on Canadian television programs I've landed. The talent speaks for itself.
I've been better than you since back in the day. Do you want to borrow anything from my extensive hip hop collection? I just got the Scenario remix on vinyl. Have you heard The Roots' first album? No, their REAL first album, released only in Europe. And by the way, it's Mos Def, not "Most Def."b That's embarrassing. Holy shit, can you even name the five elements of hip hop? Yes, there are five. Beatboxing counts now. Wow. Oh, before you leave, let me tell you my opinion of Nas.
I'm so excellent compared to you. I'm recycling this empty can, aren't I? And I'm totally pulling off this Value Village look. Dig my Puma track suit jacket.
I'm better than you on so many levels. Dude, watching "Half Past Dead" and dissecting Steven Segal's performance was so fulfilling. Did you catch that reference I made earlier? The way I just threw out a post-ironic tip-of-the-hat to that show “The 5th Wheel?” I'm sure you're not going to get that. What a feeling.
I'm better than you, dawg. Can you please buy me a bottle of that mudslide mix so my underage ass can get drunk?
I'm not saying I'm better than you, but I think you could use a dose of perspective. I've learned that a well-placed, self-deprecating joke is the best way to diffuse a tense situation. Think about that when you're done raining blows upon me.
I'm WAY better than you, yo! My fantasy basketball pool team kicks your ass. Did you see that deal I pulled with Da Hoop Dreamerz? I've got so much depth now, plus I've still got Iverson for scoring and steals, and Wallace for blocks and boards. And just look at my reserves. All my scouting paid off huge! Even my team name is brilliant. Oh and by the way, I read on rotoworld.com that Olowokandi's gonna be out a while longer. It's not like you're gonna catch me anyway. Enjoy Harvard, fuckface.
I'm the best there is. Now sit tight and I'll rub my bare ass all over your Dockers for 20 bucks.
I be betta than y'alls. I got $50,000 in my grill, platinum. I stay sittin' on 20s. My Escalade change colors in the sun, whoadie. I got DVDs in the seats, playa, ooo-whee. Gucci, Prada, Dolce & Gabbana. When I fly, I don't pack luggage, I juss buy out da mall in whatever city I'm at, ya heard me? It beez like that.
