Big Time Truckin: True Trucking Stories
Dispatch 8: More than a Trucker
by Kirk Gonnsen
Sometimes, I'll be driving on cruise control through Toledo City, (I don't think you call it Toledo city, but that's what I call it in my world) driving at 4 AM with my legs kicked back and my head right up to the windshield like I'm flying through the night on my air-ride chair. I've got some freaky ambient music blaring from the radio, broadcasting to me personally from this super-fine Detroit DJ - or so I begin to believe. And I get to wondering, maybe nobody thinks driving truck is as cool as I think it is. Maybe I'm crazy alone out here in my idea of what is what.
So I daydream in my Hollywood Production house head and I come up with schemes and plans to move ahead in this world:
1. Write and Produce a Broadway play based on my trucking experiences. Starring Matthew Broderick as Kirk the trucker, with Jennifer Love Hewitt as the Lot-Lizard Prostitute with a wet dream, and Tommy Lee as the crazy zombie trucker who everybody thought died in a horrific crash in 1972. PLOT: Trucker picks up Lot-Lizard for crazy-sex but after being serenaded he agrees to take her to Florida where she will become one of those mermaids at that half-rate marine world themepark. But first they'll have to avoid the zombie trucker with a vengeance - turns out, he only wants to have his story heard, and fuck the
super hot lot-lizard - metaphorically.
2. Revive and produce MATCH GAME. Call it Match Game 2002. Same song - using a remake by CAKE for the closing credits. Same set - different colour. Same questions. Same concept - a game show that is interrupted by goofballs that tell jokes while they smoke and drink on-air. The panel from the top left is the guest black comedian spot (think 1970's Nipsey Russell or that honky Soupy Sales) so.. Bernie Mac, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock. Next is the aging actress who is going crazy - Kathleen Turner. Next is Charles Nelson Reily Type - Jeffrey Tambor (Hey Now!) Bottom row, middle-aged bimbo - Jennifer Tilly (Double Hey-Now!) Richard Dawson can come back if he's still alive, otherwise a suitable replacement for the middle seat would be Alec Baldwin avec suit and smarm. And lastly for the kids, Shannen Doherty (substituted by Courtney Love.) And hosted by the ghost of Gene Rayburn - the loveable letch who doesn't care about the show - Adam Corolla (Same super long microphone). First show has a cameo walk-on by Burt Reynolds.
3. Become Poet/Drunk who tells tales of woe and whimsy and dies in a bar fight over a woman.
And then I smile and laugh waiting for the day when I'm fat and alcoholic and still driving with two weirdo kids and a bored wife at home, and I think I better get this freight to Toronto airport because nobody gives a shit about my asshole Hollywood dreams.
