Somethingspace.com - Bitter and Angry Like Me... by Justin Anderson

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Bitter and Angry Like Me

People come up to me all the time and they say things like "Hey man, that was some funny shit you wrote for Somethingspace. How’d you get so funny?" and "Shit man, you’re one funny cat. What makes you so funny?" and "Excuse me, but do you have the time?" Except for the last guy, the poor watchless bastard, the answer to their question is: It’s not easy, folks.

See, this rapier wit I so skilfully wield came about through rigourous comedy training I undertook throughout my formative years. And in a lot of ways, that training continues to this day. Being so hilarious, maintaining that deft and oh-so-charming combination of self-loathing and a pure, pure hatred of your fellow man, isn’t easy. But because I believe in giving something back to my loyal readers, I’ll walk you through my quick tutorial on how to be hilarious like me.

There are a few key ingredients to being funny. Now obviously, what makes Robin Williams funny is different than what makes Denis Leary funny, or Jon Stewart, or Jerry Seinfeld, or that wino I saw on the street the other day who kept pissing himself and vomiting all over the place. All I can offer is insight into my own comedy stylings, but I think you’ll find it interesting and informative. Here are a few quick and easy tips you can follow:

Be overweight and be in possession of worse-than-average acne for much of your younger years.

Attend high school filled with rich preppy fucks who won’t let you forget the above.

Have one glass eye. And three testicles.

Have the phrases "I just want to be friends" and "I don’t like you that way" forever seared into your psyche.

Spend much of your formative years spurning the advances of your creepy Uncle Shorty the Midget.

Realize on your 16th birthday that you don’t really have an older sister, and when your parents keep telling you "Oh, you just missed her. Maybe you’ll see her when she gets home tonight," they are lying.

Lose all faith in humanity through a series of mindless, dead-end jobs that pay you to say things like "You don’t have to use language like that with me, sir" and "Unfortunately that’s what happens when you don’t pay your gas bills, ma’am" and "I’m sorry, but I’m afraid your cardholder agreement states that you do have to pay that money back at some point, sir" and "Yes, those colored folks sure can run fast, ma’am, and it is indeed too bad that they’re taking all of your jobs."

Be just unattractive enough to the opposite sex to ensure they’re never interested in anything more than being your friend. (To maximize your being hilarious, this can be contrasted with being incredibly attractive to gay men.)

Allow yourself to become increasingly frustrated by your inability to perfect the sex robot you’ve been building since you were 13.

Finally meet someone you think actually understands you and loves you for who you are, spend two and a half years building something beautiful and special with them and then watch them up and leave you crying so she can move in with some fucking pot-head guitar player she met in her goddamned writer's workshop. JESUS CHRIST I JUST WANTED TO LOVE YOU WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?