Bloodsport on the Dancefloor

by Aaron Abrams

SONG: THE HUMPTY DANCE, BY DIGITAL UNDERGROUND

"The Humpty Dance is your chance..."

Waiting to strike, I feel something touch my back. The prolonged contact becomes a challenge. I turn my head casually, as though it were part of my dance, to see a young lady in pigtails; the feared champion of the dance floor. I am not sure if the gauntlet has been tossed. I cautiously move toward her, beginning a subtle game of cat and mouse in which each of us, with tiny moments of contact, dares the other to back down. Then Pigtails makes a brief, deliberate eye contact. It is clear. The battle has begun.

"Stop what you’re doing, ‘cause I'm about to ruin..."

SONG CHANGE: CLEANING OUT MY CLOSET, BY EMINEM (DANCE REMIX)

I see that I am not alone. A tanned, unshaven guy, a tall, awkward fellow and a sporty dude in a rugby shirt have created a circle around the pigtailed champion, each of us looking to take her down. But it won’t be easy. I have the advantage early as she faces me. But the tall and awkward fellow makes his move, forcefully sliding between me and Pigtails. He goes in for a quick strike, his herky-jerky style forcing me to retreat. For a few moments, he goes toe-to-toe with the champ. Then, tossing her hair, she turns her back on him, busting his legs and dignity and scalp right off, leaving a lifeless mess-man.

"Never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet."

The champion focuses on the tanned, unshaven guy. He meets her gaze with confidence, his stubble daring her. I flash the sporty dude a worried look. Where I come from, tanned guys are trouble. Sporty dude betrays my friendship, snubbing me with an impressive dance move that bloodies my lip and leaves me reeling.

The tan guy is taking control over the champion. She focuses on him as he matches her every move, slinking in behind her. He presses slightly, setting her up for the “Penis to Ass Halfgrind,” an instant death-strike to us all.

As if in slow motion, I see his deadly mistake. His hand begins to move to her front, his palm settling on her belly. But the move comes too soon. The man with the tan’s haste proves to be his downfall. Tripping on his grits and slipping on his bits, those guys he came in with wince at their fallen comrade’s terrible mush-fate.

My thoughts return to my old nemesis.

"I thought I'd finished you," Rugby Shirt says to me with his rave-dance moves. I raise my head slowly, wiping the blood from my mouth. "I'm sorry, Mama" my feet reply "I never meant to hurt you." His eyes widen. I come at them both with new-found strength.

In a blur, Pigtails combats us both as we simultaneously attack. I jive him into the ropes, using the advantage to work Pigtails, who loosens to me. Each rhyme brings victory closer, until I capture what those who fell before me could not: the smile. Thrilled with my victory, I smile back. She turns her ass to me as if to hand me a trophy.

I glance up, only to see that she has turned her attention to Rugby Shirt. She raises her hand to caress his cheek and wash away my smile of triumph.

The battle is over. I hold my heart in defeat. I slowly bring my hands to my eyes, and I see blood. I glance at the wound as confusion becomes realization. Dropping to my knees, I look off, deep into the strobe. A tear of blood falls from my fingers and splashes softly on the dance floor.

SONG CHANGE: PARADISE CITY, BY GUNS N’ ROSES

"I’m beat," I say.

"Yeah, dude. I’m trashed," Liam says.

We down some more shots. Tomorrow’s headache begins to creep in.

"Oh, won’t you please take me home," says Axl.