A Guide to Naming Your Bongs After Professional Wrestlers, Past and Present

by Adam Eisner

There comes a point in the life of every teenage male where he must make the jump from professional wrestling fan to recreational marijuana user, lest he be branded a loser. As a result, his definition of macho must shift quickly from the bravado of a Randy Savage to the number of tequila shots and bong hits he can withstand during a single viewing of Dazed and Confused.

This is not to say, however, that professional wrestling exits only in the life of an adolescent. In an effort to hold on to the days of their carefree youth, most drug users name their bongs after wrestlers in a tradition similar to the way twentysomethings name their cocaine-snorting paraphernalia after Saved by the Bell characters (you still have your Screechain, don't you?).

The process of naming one’s bong after a professional wrestler is difficult and meaningful, like a tribal ritual symbolizing the passage into adulthood. The bong-naming process goes something like this:

1. Purchase bong
2. Think of wrestler
3. Tie the word "bong" in to wrestler’s name
4. Start hitting that shit!

Because most novice bong-users tend to want to skip directly to step four, I have taken the liberty of providing a number of popular wrestler-bong names you may want to consider if you have come of bong-naming age. These include:

Andre the Bong
Big Bong Stud
King Bong Bundy
Doink the Bong
Brutus "The Barber" Beefbong
Kabonga
The Killer Bongs
Bong Bong Bigelow
George "The Bong" Steele
"Mr. Bongderful" Paul Orndorff
The Bongwhackers
The Bong Foundation
The Junk Yard Bong
Koko Bebong
Ricky "The Dragon Bong" Steambong
Bobby "The Bong" Heenan
Bongdust
Cap'n Lou Albongo

There you have it. With this handy list, you’ll spend a lot less time thinking, and a hell of a lot more time smoking. So until it’s time to ditch the bong and get in to the heavy shit, remember: "Real Americans" don’t cough.