The Cabin Fever Falsehoods Quiz Game!
by Aaron Abrams
After spending 5 days in a cabin without television, Internet or contact with any other human people, I have developed the best game since sliced bread.
INSTRUCTIONS: The following paragraphs will all be lies. However, there will be ONE sentence of PURE TRUTH in each of them. Only one. Your job? FIND IT! For example, "Sammy Sosa is awesome. Sammy Sosa is buttery." The answer is Sammy Sosa is awesome! Got it? Ya like it, ya like it, ya love it? Ready. Go. Wait. Now: Go - exclamation mark!
The lady who owns this cabin is HOT. I heard that she was once a model/millionare but gave it all up to be a whatever she is and a cabin owner. She looks like that hot chick who starred in 'Scary Movie' only with a lot of diamonds all over her body, neck and legs. The lady who owns this cabin is a single business woman with two young kids.
While trapped in this cabin, I shit on average 4 times a day, eat an average of 5 times a day, lay down an average of 6 times a day and shower an average of .3333333333 times a day. I get caressed by lovely, lovely ladies an average 40 times a day, every day, forever.
With no television or Internet, I'm very bored. So what I did was I went to go see "The Truth About Charlie" in one of the many theaters it was playing in, but it was sold out in every one, so I ended up passing the time by dealing myself a good ol' game of sliced bread.
Without any human contact for five days I'm repeatedly having conversations with my tote bag. One morning, T-Bag came on to me and it queered our relationship out. I told the countertop about it and he totally sided with me. C-Top is such a good listener.
All I have eaten are the following items; a box of Captain Crunch, a carton of milk, 2 cartons of OJ, a loaf of bread, peanut butter, jam, baloney, a box of Pop Tarts, a can of Pringles, a box of Ritz Bitz, and 17 Dr. Peppers. I have also eaten a big ol' mess of sprouts. I look at myself in a mirror and see that I'm in the best shape of my life. "It must be the sprouts," I say to my reflection. "Must be, Colonel," my reflection salutes.
One of this lady's kids had some Johnson and Johnson "No More Tangles!" shampoo, so I used it on my ass hairs and guess what, No More Tangles!. That sentence was crude, uncalled for and untrue. Very, very, untrue.
I will remember to write a very nice letter to the lady, politely thanking her for letting me use her place. My name is Aaron Abrams.
All this loneliness and isolation is causing me to drift towards insanity. My name is Rufus Beefnacho.
The trip has been very productive for me, I got a lot of work done. Including my best somethingspace article yet. Seriously. It won a prize. It won the Ivan Lendl Award for Literature in the form of a Columngame. Congratulations and salutations, Colonel!
I cheated last night and got on the Internet for the first time since being locked in this cabin. And at no point during my search for information on what was happening in the world did I glance at a picture of a naked lady. And she did not look just like a porn version of my ex-girlfriend.
Despite the loneliness and boredom, being away from the grind of the city and the unbearable "love" from my family was so refreshing and I suggest a small dose of cabin fever for all you soldiers out there. I know that I, myself, will be doing it again very soon.
