A Personal History Told Through Car Euphemisms as Sexual Innuendo

by Liam Eagle

The first time I ever "went for a spin" was with this speedy little "hot rod," back when I was just a teenager. She was "straight off the lot," with "not a mile on her," and I had never really "driven" before. I mean, I had honked a few horns, and popped a hood here and there, but this was my first time "behind the wheel." It was a fast ride, and it didn't last long, seeing as I didn't really "know the roads" at the time. I got to "go for a ride" in that baby a few more times, but we never really went anywhere interesting. Looking back, it was a pretty "sweet ride," and I probably should have done a lot more than just "cruise around" and "listen to Guns n Roses on the tape deck." But at the time, I was just happy to be driving, if you know what I mean.

I made up for it with the next "little number" I had the chance to "test drive." She was an "older model," but definitely a "classic." This thing was already "broken in," and it "rode real smooth," and really "hugged the road." This was the car I really "learned to drive" in, and I took it everywhere I could think of. I let this one go too soon, and I never really appreciated what I had. I've never driven anything like it since. Oh yeah, did I mention the "leather seats?" You know what I'm talking about.

I spent some time "in the driver's seat" of a "minivan." I had never really pictured myself driving one of these things. Let's face it, it wasn't my dream car but it "got me from A to B," and I have to admit, it was "comfortable." It sure was a "gas guzzler," but i could cram every last bit of my "junk" into the "back end" of that thing, and there was still room for more. It was real handy when somebody was "moving" too, because you could "take all the seats out of the back," if you catch my drift.

I drove a bus for a few years. Comprende?

There have been other "rides," and other interesting stories. Like the time me and Tommy got that "rental car" down in Vegas. Or the time I was in that "three car pileup." Once, just for fun, I entered a "demolition derby" in this beat up old "station wagon." Know what I'm saying?

But those were my wilder years. These days, I'm more concerned with things like "fuel efficiency," and "power windows." I'm thinking about checking out one of those "electric cars," maybe. Or maybe one of those "sport utility vehicles." Yeah, I could see myself doing some "off-road driving," with a little bit of "four-wheel drive." Plus, I could "hook my boat up to it when I'm going up north fishing." Yeah, you heard me.