Conversations Between R.Kelly and Robert Blake: Three Six-Line Scenes
by Aaron Abrams
ONE
(R.Kelly's Bedroom)
R.KELLY: C'mon girl, don't make me serenade you again. Cuz if I do, you know what will happen. First, when I open my mouth, you will not believe the superhotness of my teeth. Second, when I inhale my chest expands. And the if that happens while my shirt is off your pussy might explode. Third, When I begin to sing you will be reminded of all the gold records on my walls and all the furious famousousity I possess and my vocal cords will reverbererate so deeply within your underpants that your booty will remove itself from the rest of your body and magically hover above my bed while looks at me and puckers.
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL: You are absolutly right. This is the best night of my life. But who is the guy in the corner? Is he famous too?
BLAKE: Why yes I am. I'm Little-Rascal-turned-silver-screen-baddie Robert Blake. I'll be filming this so that my man R. can masturbate to it later. What up? (Blake hands 12-year-old girl an autographed headshot)
R.KELLY: I'm going to put the video on the Internet so everybody will know that I am the true superpimp. I am so happy for you, this really will be everything you ever wanted. You need anything before R.Kelly pops you, baby? You want me to stroke you hair or anything?
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL: When the world sees this tape, they will think I'm so beautiful.
BLAKE: And... ACTION!
TWO
(Robert Blake's car)
BLAKE: Listen, woman. Don't make me show you my headshot again. I don't have to explain to you what a megasuperstardeluxe I am, and I can't have you disgracing the good name of "Spanky." First, the people won't be able to fathom how a man as in-control as I am could have married such a soul drinking con-whore. The idea of it would scramble their brains, leaving them to end all their sentences with question marks. B, did you see the movie "Money Train?" How awsome was I? And Three, the idea that I, Robert Blake, married a woman who is not superhot is so confusing that it can only be understood by a backward race of people such as the "Backwads." Is that what you want?
BLAKE'S WIFE: Please. Honey. Put down the gun. Oh God. And you, stop putting that tarp down back there.
R.KELLY: My man's got no choice really. Dude's got a rep. They gotta know that B is in control. Say, we haven't met personally. I'm multi-platnium recording artist--stop screaming for a second--I'm multi-platinium recording artist R.Kelly. I'd shake your hand put then you'd want to sleep with me for sure.
BLAKE's WIFE: Oh god! Please, Robert! I'm sorry! You knew that I married you only because you were famous!
BLAKE: Yes. But I didn't know you were smarter than me.
R.KELLY: And... SHOOT HER IN THE BOOTY!
THREE
(Courtroom; they are on trial)
BLAKE: I would like to introduce as evidence my fame. I blossomed from a beloved childhood star into a recognized dramatic actor. I am also taken very seriously by everyone because I am a serious man, much like the one I played on the show "Baretta." I would now like to introduce an autographed headshot. Notice how I'm not smiling in this picture. How could you put this in jail?
R.KELLY: I would like to introduce as evidence my fame. I have a wall of gold records, I am mad-phat seducer of woman and all around superpimp. Your honor, if you were a lady, you would certainly not put me in jail. As it is, you must understand my value to society and its many ladies.
BLAKE: I would like to introduce as evidence the fact that I can't read.
R.KELLY: I would like to indroduce as evidence the fact that I was once married to an extremly, extremly hot girl who, at the time, had just turned sixteen years old.
JUDGE: Mr. Blake, you made a shopping list of items including "gun," "bullets" and "tarp." You do not deny making this list. Mr. Kelly you have made numorous videos of underage girls. You do not deny these allegations. Can all this be true? How do you plead?
BLAKE AND R.KELLY: Yes. And... NOT GUILTY!
