Awkward Scenes From the Life of a Cowboy

by Liam Eagle

ONE

It is Slim's first day at the ranch, and he walks out into the corral to saddle up. All the other cowpokes are laughing and nudging each other. Slim asks them what they're laughing about. He realizes his chaps are on backwards.

TWO

Slim goes calling on Suzie-Mae, the banker's daughter. As she comes to the front door, a bee flies out of the bouquet he's holding behind his back, and down the back of his britches, repeatedly stinging his bottom. He drops the bouquet, jumping around like a damn fool trying to get the bee out. Suzie-Mae goes back inside.

THREE

Slim is at the cathouse, with a whore. He ejaculates too quickly. He apologizes. "That's ok," she says. "I'm a whore."

FOUR

The Sheriff is rounding up a posse to catch the damned Tennessee Trio. Eager to help, Slim volunteers. When the Sheriff asks if he's good with a six-shooter, Slim twirls his gun on his finger to demonstrate. It accidentally goes off, shooting the Sheriff in the foot. The posse is cancelled. The next day, the damned Tennessee Trio robs the town bank.

FIVE

One drunken night at the saloon, Slim challenges Big Jake to an arm wrestling match. Big Jake beats him easily. Blinded by alcohol, slim throws up on his own boots.

SIX

At the hoedown, Slim gets up the courage to ask Suzie-Mae to dance. She agrees. On the dance floor, Slim's spur gets caught in a floorboard. His boot comes off, and he trips. His arm gets stuck up to the elbow in a horse's rear end. Suzie-Mae dances with Big Jake.

SEVEN

Slim stands across the street from Rattlesnake Bill, leader of the damn Tennessee Trio. Their hands hover close to their guns. Bill yells "draw," and Slim fires. The bullet hits Rattlesnake Bill, killing him, and destroying the lower half of his face. Sickened by the gore, Slim throws up in his own hat.

EIGHT

Years later, Slim is at the cathouse, with a whore. He can't get an erection. He apologizes. "That's ok," she says. "I'm a whore."