An Interview With Dave the Wedding Photographer

by Aaron Abrams

I approach Dave, a shy wedding photographer, during the tail end of the late night reception.

ME: Hi. Are you Dave?

DAVE: Yeah. Hi.

ME: I'm Aaron.

DAVE: Nice to meet you, Aaron.

ME: Nice to meet you, Dave. Yeah. Um. I write for a Web site and I was wondering if I could interview you for a second. I don't have a tape recorder, but I'm going to maybe write things down on this bar napkin, is that cool? I won't use your last name, I don't even know it. Cool?

DAVE: Right now?

ME: I mean if you're not busy. Is this cool?

DAVE: The interview? Um, sure but I don't... I don't have much to say.

ME: I will be the judge of that my good man, Dave. You are in good fucking hands, Dave. I will turn what you say into gold.

DAVE: Don't change what I say.

ME: No. No. I meant my interviewing prowess. It will extract all the golden nuggets with the questions I ask. Seriously, it'll be good. It'll be gold, Dave. Do you trust me? Do you wanna do this?

DAVE: Okay, I... Okay.

ME: Ready?

DAVE: Okay.

ME: So you're a wedding photographer.

DAVE: Yeah.

ME: I bet you've seen some things.

DAVE: Uh, yeah. (pause) I guess.

ME: Give me one.

DAVE: Oh. No.

Me: Dave.

DAVE: I... no. (pause) Alright. I guess.

So, this one wedding... no one can find the groom. They just got married and everyone is at the reception and nobody can find the groom. And it was one of these weddings where they just go right from the ceremony to the reception. And this groom is gone.

This guy comes up to me, some audio guy from the wedding and he says listen to this. Turns out the groom was still mic'd. And I'm listening to him, and he's having sex. And the bride is standing right beside me as I'm listening to this, so it's not her. The audio guy says "Isn't that crazy?" or something, and I say "No. This guy's been married for 10 minutes. Literally 10 minutes."

So now me and the audio guy are arguing whether or not to say something and the moral nature of this situation. And he just gets up and, without saying anything, hands the earpiece to the father of the bride. Who... wow. I mean he was a hotheaded Italian type guy. And whoa. He started tearing the place apart looking for the guy. The whole reception is now tearing the building apart looking for this guy.

The dad finds him in the parking lot in the back of some van with the maid of honor. The reception is standing around in this circle watching the dad smash this groom's head into the pavement of the parking lot. I didn't stick around after that. The grooms head had cracked open. I got out of there fast. That guy wasn't going to stop hitting him for a while.

ME: Oh shit dude, that is so crazy.

DAVE: Yeah, that was pretty crazy.

ME: Oh shit.

DAVE: (sitting down) Is that what you needed?

ME: That was awesome. Do you have another one?

DAVE: Well, Maybe this one? I don't know. The guy who invented the stuff that defreezes airplanes was throwing this wedding. And this guy was a billionaire. The groom drives up in a Lamborgini, the bride in a Ferrari, all this stuff, right? Gaudy. So the reception is completely out of control. Loud. Obnoxious. People are way too drunk.

I'm standing by the DJ and the maid of honor is walking across the dance floor holding her stomach and making faces. We're watching her. Is she all right? And this... piece of shit tumbles out of her and lands on the dance floor. Just like that. Not only is she not wearing underwear, but she's taking a dump on the dance floor. Full on dump, all along the floor there, and she scurries off. The DJ guy is really flipping out. "Did you see that? Did you see that?" I'm like "yeah."

Then this other bridesmaid comes along, sees the poo on the dance floor and pukes. Vomits right on the poo. Then another bridesmaid smells the puke and pukes. And then it really gets crazy. People start running out of the party like their life depended on it. Pushing for the doorways, screaming. I go out this different exit and the bride is passed out in the hallway in her own puke.

That was, well, you can't buy class.

ME: Holy fucking shit, dude.

DAVE: Oh yeah?

ME: Are you kidding? That was, oh my god I love that one.

DAVE: You aren't... you're being...

ME: I love these, Dave. These really are some solid, great stories.

DAVE: I think I have one more.

ME: That is great news. I'm ready. No wait. Okay, I'm ready.

DAVE: This big church wedding. Huge hall. Packed pews. And it gets to the part where they say "if anybody has any reason why these two should not be joined, speak now or forever-"

ME: Oh fuck, this is so great.

DAVE: Right. Well, that part of the wedding is happening, and the doors fly open. "I object!" Everyone spins around. This woman in a wedding dress and a bouquet is standing there. "He's marrying me!" Everyone spins back around to look at the groom. I mean the place is, whoa. The best man and one of the groomsmen run at her down this long aisle. The best man grabs her in a headlock. The groomsman grabs her feet, they carry her right out the door. She's kicking and screaming. The groomsmen calls the cops and waits in the parking lot for them. Turns out she's some ex-girlfriend. Restraining order.

ME: The craziest thing is that she went out and bought a dress.

DAVE: No, man. The craziest thing (leans in) is that she bought a bouquet.

ME: Hahahaha.

DAVE: This crazy bitch went down to the specifics. She really thought she was getting married that day; that everyone would be so happy she showed up. That she would toss that bouquet to the bridesmaids all cheering and everything. Crazy.

ME: That was great, Dave.

DAVE: Oh, well, I didn't...

ME: Just one more question.

DAVE: Okay.

ME: You've been to a lot of weddings.

DAVE: Okay.

ME: What about them?

DAVE: Ha. Well. I'm an advertising photographer during the week and I started shooting weddings to make a little more money so I could get married. And I am now. And from being in my own wedding and at so many other people's weddings I guess I've learned... marriage is so... important. It still is, I know about the divorce rate and everything, but I know how important my marriage is to me and the ceremony and marriage is the pinnacle of love in some ways. And it's so special that whether you're the bride, the groom, or just an acquaintance you can feel what's happening.

Some people can't handle that much, love? I don't know, that sounds...

But look at the ceremony. The ceremony in a way is just there so we can handle it. Put a bunch of order around this thing that's kind of unexplainable. Makes it easier to get through. Really, it's just a day you have to get through. And in order to do that, people do strange things...

ME: (Shaking hands and getting up to leave) Shit man. That was awesome. Thank you so much. It was nice meeting you. I gotta... the bar is closing.

DAVE: I completely understand.