Diner!

by Aaron Abrams

Hello there. It sure is nice outside, isn't it? C'mon in, I got a seat all ready for ya. Oh, don't mind him. He's the soda jerk. Apt name wouldn't you say? Haha. Haven't seen you around in a while. That sure is a nice haircut. It lets me see your forehead more. What's that? Haha.

Let me tell you a little about what I've done with the place. First let me ask you, who doesn't love an ol' fashioned diner? That's right. Nobody. The lingo, the waitresses, food that tastes homemade but isn't. Now let me ask you, who doesn't like a ol' fashioned Hollywood diner? That's right. NO-body. The crazy dishes, the funny names, the signed headshots and the neon. Holy shit, the neon. Who gets tired of neon? Fuckin' A. No. Body.

Now let me ask you this. Who wouldn't go to a place where the food is always hot and the conversation is always fresh? Who wouldn't go to a place where the food is served fresh and the nostaligia is served Hollywood? Who wouldn't go to a place where the food tastes like your mother made it in the very kitchen you grew up in and the cook is an old turkish man who makes food in our diner kitchen away from your home? I ask you, who wouldn't go to a diner like that? Not you. Not you, cuz you're standing right here. And I'm looking at you. I'm looking at you right here. Looking at you, right in the forehead.

Here's that table. Your milkshake is comin' up. Extra thick. Let me get you a menu. Oh... And Welcome Friend. Welcome To Double A's.

MENU!

SANDWICHES!

The Sweetchuck:
Named after Tim Kazurinsky, Second City alum and notorious "Police Academy" crime fighter, this mouth-watering sandwich comes with lettuce, tomato and a pound of ground beef smothered in delicious grenadine. Hold it right there sandwich. You have the right to remain savoury!

The Baldwin Brother:
Feeling Macho but can't decide what kind? Brooding? Boyish? Fat/Angry? This heaping quin-decker sandwich comes topped with five different kinds of meat served on thick cut white bread and is guarenteed to satisify all kinds of beefy hunger. Also, get your napkins ready, The 'BB' is topped with ketchup, relish, mustard and that blue comb solution stuff. Yum!
(substitute french fries with a sprinkling of back hair: extra $0.50)

The Dice Clay:
For men only, The Dice Clay is a classic rare steak sandwich served to you by a "woman." She knows her place and so does this sandwich; right in your belly! Enjoy!

The Meatloaf:
Here at Double A's we would do anything for love. Except have sex with you! Just like mom used to make, 'The Meatloaf' is a baked alaska sandwich served on a bed of rice. Flavoury!

The McConaughey:
We captured its heart and brought down the beast. Dragon Burger with Extra Cheese.

DESSERTS!

The McBeal:
Partially inspired by Calista Flockhart, partially inspired by McDonalds; The McBeal is a big, fat slice of rich cheesecake that comes served with an extra long, curvy utensil. Wouldn't want your bile to burn off your cuticles, that's not Hollywood! True Dat!

Courtney Lovepie:
Chilled to perfection and served on a bed of truffles, the Courtney Lovepie is drizzled with white chocolate and expensive red wine. Past the delightfully light and flaky crust your mouth won't believe it's eyes. The Courtney Lovepie is filled with our own secret recipe. Well... okay... It's Trash! With a little bit of heroin! Secret's out. Enjoy!

DRINKS!

A Stranger in Paradise: A peanut in a glass of champagne
The Airline Pilot: Vodka served in a thermos
The Stir Fry: Cooking oil and Zambuca. Served with snow peas and waterchestnuts
The Dead Elvis: Mayonnaise, tequila and glitter
The Rubber Duckie: Rum and bathwater
The Stand-Up Comic: Gin, Pineapple Juice and a splash of self-loathing
Groovy Suicide: Absinthe, peyote and sleeping pills
The Secretly Gay Rapper: Malt liquor, weed and courvoisier. Served in a tumbler. Stirred with my cock
The Chinise Batman: Whiskey, ginseng, tradition and vengence
That Fat Jimmy Sherman From Grade 4 Who Always Cried When He Didn't Know the Answer: Schnapps, milk and nosebleed (drink a Fat Jimmy by dipping your thumb and sucking on it)
I'm a Fucking Douchebag: Non-alcoholic beer and apple sauce served in a large oragami swan
The Last Chick in the Bar: For 10 bucks, the bartender will pour a bunch of random alcohol into a big ol friendly glass. Served with a paper bag over it. Enjoy!

There. Now didn't you enjoy that, Tiger? What? Leaving so soon? Well be sure you get the mailing address from our hostess so you can send us a headshot. How was Pedro? I bet the service was just Dineriffic! Just like your auntie would serve you if she was still alive and worked here. Well, thanks for stoppin' in to The Double A folks. The menu is still a work in progress, so if any of you patrons has any more meal ideas feel free to drop the ol' 'A' an email. I'd love to hear from ya. There's the door. Hope it hits you on the ass and you fall down. Haha.