Eat, Drink and Be Merrydrunk: A Guide to Holiday Drinking Games

by Aaron Abrams

Game 1: "Chug-a-Lug Channel Surfing".

A holiday commercial: drink one shot.
A commercial degrading a child: two shots.
A commercial degrading a fat, old man with a beard: three shots.
A commercial degrading a midget: chug-a-lug.
A commercial degrading you: change the channel.

Seeing a re-run of a holiday movie: one shot.
In "Jingle All The Way," every time Sinbad or Arnold mangles some English: two shots.
In "Home Alone," every time Macaulay Culkin says a big word and you're pretty sure he doesn't know what it means: three shots.
In "Jack Frost," when Michael Keaton says any word after being turned into that fucking snowman: chug-a-lug. Chug-a-lug forever. Keep on drinking until you pass out. Only there will you be safe.
Every time they sacrilegiously edit out a swear word in "Scrooged": change the channel.

Seeing a new Muppet Christmas Special: one shot.
Every time a Muppet's voice sounds different: two shots.
Every time that new, unfunny squid-muppet shimmies: three shots.
Every time David Arquette shows up as a 'Special Guest': Chug that shit.
Every time Jim Henson rolls over in his grave: change the channel.

Game 2: "The Annual Last Day of Work before Christmas Vacation Flogging of the Flask"

Every time the boss calls you by the wrong name: tip the flask.
Every time the boss calls you by the name "Joseph Hamstink": "flog" the flask until you are good and drunk.

Every time that guy who works next to you tells you a story about a girl in the office he's banged: tip the flask.
Every time that guy who works next to you tells you a story about who, in the office, your girl has banged: flog the flask.

Every time you lose at "Minesweeper": tip the flask.
Every time you lose at "Not Getting Caught Looking at Porn": flog the flask.

Every time you hear that guy who works next to you quote a movie line from "Swingers" or "Glengarry Glenross" or does a lame Sean Connery impression or something like that: tip the flask.
Every time you hear that guy who works next to you say "you're the man now, dog!" And you look over and catch him looking at porn: flog the flask.

Every time the boss says "one more thing and you can leave": tip the flask.
Every time the boss says "one more thing and you're fired. Hamstink.": flog the flask.

Game 3: "Family Noggin"

Every time you have to smile after opening a shitty gift: one swig of alcoholic eggnog.
Every time they have to smile after opening a shitty gift from you: two swigs.
Every time a nephew or niece starts to shake from crying after getting a shitty gift: nog it up.

Every time you forget a relative's name: one swig.
Every time you spit some homemade food into a balled-up napkin and hide it behind a painting: two swigs.
Every time you have to go in the room with your dying uncle on the respirator: nog it up.

Every time you have to answer a question about your career: one swig.
Every time your girlfriend flirts with one of your cousins. two swigs.
Every time your parents imply disappointment in you. nog it up.
Every time your life flashes before you: nog on forever. Nog to the moon. Nog to oblivion.

Every time you're offered a drink: take a drink.
Every time you take a drink: take another drink.
Every time Christ celebrates his birthday: Just keep drinking, man. Drink and drink and sleep and dream of a tropical island or being rich or beating up the Barenaked Ladies or something. Drink until you get that brief second, in one of your last remaining moments of consciousness, where you remember something about your childhood.

Then pass out, for only there will you be safe.