Real Emails I Have Actually Received and Real Replies I Have Not Actually Sent

by Justin Anderson

---
(friend attending university in Scotland)

From: Chris Cull
To: Justin Anderson
Subject: welcome to my hell

I think the for some reason my emails aren't getting through from my other address, i've been sending things to people and they havent been getting them. So from now on reply to this one.

I don't accually have any internet access in my room so i have to come to the school and use the ones there. I just now foundout my password so that is why i havent been sending any of my hilarious rantings. I called you a few weeks ago but you weren't home, I don't know if your mom told you. She told me that you've put on fifty pounds started smoking two packs a day and walk arround in the house in your underwear so I've been woried.

I'm nurceing quite a bad hangover right, its accually really impresive, i've had it for two weeks all ive done since I got here is drink and smoke weed. Oh yea my first night here i met a guy who could get some, so every night I walk arround the Halls of residence asking people if they want to see one of my kicks. Oviously nobody gets it but I laugh my ass off.

Do me a favoir and try to scan some of pictures of you and kev and send them over my room sucks and the only poster i have is one of Enter the Dragon, quite fitting i thought. Well my times up so write me back even if its just to say that you got this.

Keep cool my man
Big Daddy

P.S. Keep smoking the good shit.

From: Justin Anderson
To: Chris Cull
Subject: Re: welcome to my hell

Dearest Chris,

I fear my problems with the drink are only getting worse. More and more I find myself waking up next to strange women and men, and I have of late developed a strange facial twitch. My only concern now is that by the time you return to these shores from your studies abroad, I shall be dead.

Justin

P.S. I will keep smoking the good shit.

---
(ex-girlfriend, with whom i am still friends)

From: Julie Alnwick
To: Justin Anderson
Subject: hm

Jar of Fools was really good. Sad, but good. I think I'm going to read it again soon...I read it on the bus, and I might have missed some of its nuances.

Work is boring. They keep saying we're getting out early tonight, but I don't see it. That Cowboy Bebop boxed set sounds cool. That's 11 straight hours of goodness. Sweet. Looking forward to that. Anyway, I could maybe do the Royal Tenenbaums on the 27th. That'd be okay.

My mom got me these cool red silky pyjamas for xmas. They're nice. Anyway, I'm going back to coma. I mean, work. now. zzz.

later
julie

From: Justin Anderson
To: Julie Alnwick
Subject: Re: hm

Glad you liked the book, I thought you would. It's really shitty that you have to work on Christmas Eve, but what can you do, right? And yeah, the 27th sounds good for The Royal Tenenbaums. If I don't talk to you between now and then, have a merry Christmas.

Why did you stop loving me?

Justin

---
(beautiful stranger)

From: Natalie
To: Justin Anderson
Subject: Justin, I wish you were here ...

As I promised, here is the secret link I told you about before. There are free thematic galleries inside each section, all of high quality and quite nasty. Frankly, they made me so horny, that I can't wait to see you again! I do remember how we enjoyed watching adult magazines together, so click here - it will remind you of our old, wild days! Let me know if you enjoyed it.

Can't wait to hear from you,
Natalie.

From: Justin Anderson
To: Justin Anderson
Subject: Justin, I wish you were here ...

I'm sorry if this makes me sound like a bit of a jerk, but I can't seem to recall the secret link you told me about before. In fact, I'm not even sure I know who you are.

As much as I enjoy adult magazines, Natalie, I don't remember "watching" any with anyone else, or you in particular. But if looking at those links did make you horny, maybe you could pass along an address or phone number and we could get together for a drink or something. And I did kind of enjoy that link, though I can't say it reminded me of my old, wild days - and from what you've said, I'm pretty sure I'd remember any "wild days" I had with a gal like you!

Keep in touch,
Justin