The Somethingspace "Are You Evil" Test

by Enis Esmer

These days, it seems you can't swing a spiked bat dipped in poison without hitting someone who believes there is evil in the world. Whether it's George Bush naming the "Axis of Evil", pledging to fight against "evil", or pausing while saying words like "retrieval" or "Kneivel", it seems every American president has evil on his lips.

As a contributing writer for Cosmic Teen, Girl Street and Downtown Fun Party Magazine, I spend countless hours researching the symptoms of various social conditions, from being too much of a flirt to not being enough of a flirt. I then compile my findings into questionnaires, which provide scenarios that female readers from the age of 14 to the age of 15 can use to determine how they should behave, what they should wear, and when/if they should eat.

Using that knack for question writing and scenario-coming-up-with-ery, I have prepared the Somethingspace.com "Are You Evil?" test. Answer each multiple-choice question, add up your points, and check the scoring to see how you did.

Good luck. I hope you're not evil.

1. You are at a party and you realize somebody has spiked the punch. Your best friend Stacey, who doesn't drink alcohol, wants to leave. Do you:

a) Leave with her. She's your friend. (1)
b) Call her a prude and stay at the party. (10)
c) Lace the punch with cyanide, muttering "spike this, corporate scum." (1000)

2. You are writing your SATs when you catch your best friend Jenna cheating on her test. Do you:

a) Tell on her. It's the only way she'll learn. (1)
b) Let her cheat. She needs a good mark to get into the same college as her boyfriend. (10)
c) Endorse political corruption through violence and coercive tactics. (1000)

3. You and your best friend Ashanti win passes to the premiere of The Sweetest Thing, starring Cameron Diaz and Christina Applegate. When you get there, it turns out only one of you can get in. Do you:

a) Let her go. You know how happy it would make her. (1)
b) Yell, "Hey, there's Hunter from Survivor Marquesas". When she turns to look, run into the theatre. (10)
c) Shoot your friend in the mouth with a tranquilizer gun. (1000)

4. Your best friend Bhanuja calls you late at night from her boyfriend's house, worried because he wants to "go all the way." Do you:

a) Tell her to only do it if she's sure he loves her. (1)
b) Reach through the phone and strangle her. Then, using telepathy, lock all the doors in her boyfriend's house and burn it to the ground. (10)
c) Tell her she should dump the creep, while secretly planning to make out with him at the Grease cast party next weekend. (1000)

5. While shopping with your best friend Akiko, you see some wicked designer jeans at Stitches, but they cost $5 more than you have. Do you:

a) Borrow the money from your friend. (1)
b) Sneak the jeans into your bag and take off. (10)
c) Ask to see the manager, then when he arrives, rip out his adam's apple and eat it like you would a regular apple. (1000)

How'd You Do?

5-14 - You Are Not Evil! - You're someone who believes in order and morality, even if it means making unpopular choices. You could probably stand to go easier on your less chaste acquantances, but in the end, they won't be playing checkers with Grandpa up in heaven, now will they?

23-50 - Grow Up, Girlfriend! - Your desperate need to be seen as one of the "in crowd" has led you to desert your real friends. The irony is, everyone sees right through your pretentious "bad girl" act. Your days of shoplifting, fake-celebrity-spotting, and telepathic arson will take you down a road from which there is little hope for salvation.

1000-5000 - You Are So Evil! - Cannibalism, Corruption, Cyanide poisoning - all these are within your grasp. You're probably well on your way to morphing into one of Satan's beast-minions, and I wouldn't be surprised if you're more Hell-dog than human by now.

There you have it. I hope this clears up any confusion about your evilness potential. The next time some president says he's going to strike down evil in all its forms, you'll know if he's talking about you.