A Few of My Favourite Things, By Justin Anderson

by Liam Eagle

Ahoy there mateys! Somethingspace editor Justin Anderson here, preparing to take you on another introspective adventure through my own thoughts and feelings. This time, I'd like to introduce you to a few of my favourite things.

If you notice something different, it's probably because I've decided to write this column using my highly-anticipated new writing voice. I've named him "Little Julius Roberts" after Julia Roberts, the female sister of my favourite male movie actor Eric Roberts. He's a pirate. Little Julius Roberts is, I mean. Not Eric Roberts. He's an actor.

SUNSETS

"Red sky at night, sailor's delight," they say. "Red sky at dawn, storm's coming on." Sunsets are how we predict the weather on the open seas, mateys. And more importantly, sunsets are how I tell when it's about to get dark. Sunsets mean darkness, and darkness, mateys, means vandalism.

VANDALISM

That's right. I think vandalism is the world's most inspiring nocturnal, anti-social form of self expression. Whether it's political, gang-related or just "fuck," vandalism gets the message across with a little extra "I'm spraying words on your shit and/or burning it" tucked in. But that's just my two dubloons, mateys.

ERIC ROBERTS

I've already told you how I feel about Eric Roberts, mateys. His rumored inability to control either his temper or his substance abuse may have damaged his career as an actor, firmly confining him to the b-movie ranks, but it hasn't affected my opinion of him. I'd walk a thousand planks for that man, mateys. Ahoy!

ACTING LIKE I THINK INNOCUOUS CULTURAL ABBREVIATIONS ARE RACIAL SLURS

Trust me, mateys. Nothing shakes up a well-meaning and liberal-minded person like being made to think they just unwittingly said something racist. "Did you just say 'Jew'?!" I'll yell. "That's fucking racist!" Or "You can't say Turk! That's racist!" It's more hilarious than a back-talking parrot, mateys. Ahoy!

GETTING ELECTROCUTED

Don't get me wrong, mateys. I don't mean getting seriously electrocuted. I don't want to end up in Davey Jones' locker. But every now and then, a little zap can really shake things up. And, to be honest, it really does wonders for my libido. Ahoy! And I mean that.

SMOOTHIES

Ahoy! Smoothies are great! And by "smoothies," I mean smooth-talking gentlemen, probably wearing those string neckties. As in:

Grandma: "You're a real smoothie, aren't you?"
Me: "Get the fuck outta here, Grandma! Me? A smoothie? Awesome!"

Smoothies the fruit drink? Not my thing, mateys.

SEX

I'd have to be a land lubber to not like sex! And by "sex," I mean putting my penis inside a vagina and moving it around until I ejaculate. Ahoy!

BUILDING MY OWN MR. LADY

Shiver me timbers! Allow me to explain. One time when the crew and I were plundering, we accidentally plundered a couple of boxes of mannequin parts. We were going to throw them overboard, but I kept them and I've been using them to put together a mannequin of my own, using a bizarre combination of male and female parts.

HATING MOVIE STAR TOM CRUISE

Ahoy! Don't get me started on Tom Cruise, mateys! He's the celebrity I most love to hate. I mean, Vanilla Sky? What the hell was that? Or even Eyes Wide Shut. The man should be keelhauled. No shit.