Updating a Classic: 33 More Ways to Leave Your Lover
by Aaron Abrams
As demonstrated by the illustrious Puff Daddy, updating a classic song, making it accessible to modern listeners is like motherfucking money in the bank, dudes. Paul Simon's 1975 Hit "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," although a classic, is hardly thorough enough to resonate to younger audiences, like you or I or anybody else that's fuckin' sweetass cool.
If you are unfamiliar with "50 Ways," it prescribes ways for men to leave their lovers physically ("Drop off the key, Lee"), philosophically ("Don't need to be coy, Roy") and also by getting on a bus ("Gus"). If you are unfamiliar with "Paul Simon," it is a little man who wears a blazer sometimes and is now old.
These methods of lover-leaving may have been fine for the fellas of the simple seventies, but nowadays, if you just dropped off a key without being coy, you'd get sued for sure. Or maybe punched. Whatever happened, some shit would throw down for sure. And I don't even think they make "busses" anymore.
And like what? What? Like I'm gonna take the advice of a dude who dumped Princess Leia for the lead singer of "The New Bohemiens." What? Pffft! Fuck that.
If Paul Simon was as sweetass as you, he'd know that, these days, the way to leave your lover is to get dumped. Our generation doesn't like a mess and this confrontation-defusing strategy perfectly illustrates how much more evolved our millenabrains are.
Kids all over America are getting the other person to do all the work, and Paul Simon better open his fuckin' eyes, cuz there is not one mention of this tactic in his pre-mybirth classic. Using this method of leaving, I have taken the liberty of adding an extra 33 Ways, reaching my hand back in time to squeeze a piece of musical coal into sweet golden nuggets. Thirty-three sweetass nuggets, Dudes.
Get caught lyin', Ryan.
Forget to call, Paul.
Care about your Job, Rob.
Steal her car, Lamar.
Let her pick up the bill, Bill.
Borrow a grand, Stan.
Play poker with the boys, Roy.
Call ladies "dames," James.
Tell off her parents, Terrence.
Sleep with bill, Phil.
Be generally disagreeable until she breaks up with you, Lou.
Tell her she looks fat in that, Pat.
Contract Hepititis C, Lee.
Wear socks with sandals, Randal.
Get addicted to porn, Lorne.
Fuck that redhead at Work, Kirk.
Stop brushing your teeth, Keith.
Become a madam, Adam.
Drive an R.V., Harvey.
Be emotionally unavailable, Abel.
Wear the cumsock, Tupac.
Don't hold her hand in the mall, Saul.
Lose a fight for her honor, Saunders.
Tell her that the pill is making her a bitch, Mitch.
When you're in a canoe, refuse to row, Joe.
Have an affairy, Larry.
Have the name of a girl, Shirl.
Give her a stabbin', Frodo Baggins.
Collect waterchestnuts in a big sequined sack, Jack.
Finger the anus, Rick Moranus.
Blast the Moby, Toby.
Without knowing why, have her fall out of love with you and move in with some cokehead without telling you and now she won't return your calls and you're stuck crying and staring at the fucking phone like "ring, please, ring" and you don't feel like eating much but maybe some fucking soup today, Aaron Abrams.
Sorry dudes. You know what? Just Fuckin' Leave, Steve.
