First Date Cheat Sheet

by Liam Eagle

First dates are a tricky situation. They're your best (and possibly only) chance to make a good impression, but you may be so wrapped up in making sure everything's perfect that you come across as inattentive, or even as a buffoon. I don't need to tell you that buffoons don't get second dates, do I stud? I didn't think so. But with this handy First Date Cheat Sheet stuck in your back pocket, that won't be a problem for you.

THE ARRIVAL

SHOW UP LATE: That's right, late. Don't arrive at your date's house until 25-40 minutes after you've planned to show up. This will give your date the impression that you don't like her, and we all know chicks dig guys that don't like them. When you finally arrive, bearing flowers (yes, flowers!), she'll understand that while you don't like her, for some reason you're still willing to take her out. Now she's ready to begin the date, confused, uncomfortable and succeptible to love's subtle ministrations. But first...

DEALING WITH HER PARENTS: Her parents? Why are we dealing with her parents? This is the first date, not the fucking wedding. Unless she lives with her parents, I can't see why they would be involved. Are we dating highschool girls, here? Is that what we're doing? Fuck, that's demented. And I called you "Stud" earlier. You bet your ass I'm taking that one back.

DEALING WITH HER ROOMMATES: Roommates? Fine. Now that we've found ourselves a grown up woman, we can deal with some more relevant issues. Roommates are two things: potential enemies and potential friends (threesomes). Their opinion will be listened to later. Count on it. In the meantime, you can get on their good side with some gentle flirtation: "I didn't know so many pretty girls lived in this house/apartment," "I like your hair," "I like your boobs/ass." With the roommate on your side, you're set to go on your date. Unless...

DEALING WITH HER MALE ROOMMATE: Eye him suspiciously and try to flex your muscles whenever possible. Unless you're weak, in which case try to humiliate him with your superior intellect. Unless you're dumb, in which case give it up, weak-dumb. You're too dumb and weak to be dating this girl. I guarantee she's got an after-date with her genius-Tarzan roommate.

THE ACTIVITY

THE PLAIN DATE: This one is simple enough. The idea behind the plain date is that taking her somewhere simple will leave you both at ease, and you can get to know each other under comfortable surroundings. Examples of this are dinner and walks in the park.

ENTERTAINMENT: Some kind of entertainment will give the two of you something to focus your attention on other than trying to make conversation. At the same time, it still leaves you with the pleasant feeling of having spent some enjoyable time together. Examples of this are films, live theater or some type of animal fight.

ADVENTURE: The idea behind the adventure date is that exciting, out-of-the ordinary situations can help quicken the forming of bonds between two people through your shared efforts to cope. Some elements of adventure dates are pornography theaters, vandalism and organized criminal activity.

HOW TO BEHAVE

HIT ON OTHER WOMEN: She is starting to think you like her. Maybe she's not as uncomfortable as she was before. In order to keep her guessing, hit on every other woman you see, even if they're far away. Just honking your horn counts too.

DON'T TRUST HER: Trust is something that we build in relationships. Don't just hand it over. Don't let her stand where you can't see her. And even when you can see her, watch her.

INSIST THAT YOU ARE GAY: Keep bringing up the fact that you are gay. It's ok, you're not actually gay. Just make her think that you are. It's called "playing hard to get."

NOTE: DON'T GET VIOLENT UNLESS YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO!

RESCUE HER: Nothing will get you a second date faster than rescuing your date from a speeding car or a lowlife who has mistaken her for a whore. Hopefully one of these things will occur. If not, they can be arranged.

CONVERSATION

LIKES/DISLIKES: This one's easy. Ask her what she likes. Respond to everything with "me too."

THE GREAT IDEA: Every so often, say "Oh, I have a great idea." When she asks what it is, tell her she wouldn't understand. This should buy you a few minutes of quiet, during which you can think of something else to say.

BE HILARIOUS: Women love a man with a sense of humor. Sing any funny songs that you know. Make farting noises. Call her stupid, then laugh and say you're kidding.

SWEAR: A lot.

COLLOQUIALISMS: Say "I'll be a monkey's uncle" at least twice.

THE DROP-OFF

By this point she should be confused, nervous and possibly even frightened. She's pretty sure you don't like her, even though you saved her from a bear, or something. There are three parts to closing this date successfully: the blow-up, the look, and the move. They're simple, but they take timing. Just as you're pulling up to her house, act like you just remembered something that really pisses you off. Swear loudly. This should leave her frightened and in need of comfort. Now, give her the tender, comforting look that she needs. Now make the move to kiss her. If everything works out, you'll have yourself a second date. If not, just pretend like you're still mad about that thing and you were just thinking for a second.

Either way, peel out once she's out of your car.