My New Writing Gimmick

by Justin Anderson

It’s been a few months since yours truly boarded the Somethingspace Express on its non-stop journey to the land of Pure Comedy Gold. And as I sit here in my half of the Somethingspace superbrain, helping to chart a course to Awesome Island for the SS Somethingspace, something occurs to me: in all my writing (all of it Pure Comedy Gold, of course), my real Writer’s Voice hasn’t yet manifested itself.

The recent Somethingspace redesign (which, in addition to making the site more sexy and attractive, also in turn made me more sexy and attractive) got me thinking that now is as good a time as any to Get Off My Ass and try to find My New Writing Gimmick.

Capitalizing Every Semi-Important Word: pretty fuckin’ cool.

Maybe try to ingest an assload of mind-altering chemicals (pot, crystal meth, acid, Drano) before writing. Pros: worked for Hunter S. Thompson. Cons: most definitely DID NOT work for every other jackass at my journalism school.

If I was gay, I could drop some pseudo-clever sexual innuendo about how much I like sex with men into every sentence I type. But I’m not.

I could try writing like a hack standup comic. I could drone on at length about how different men and women are (women fake orgasms sometimes, you know), and how at Starbucks if you want a coffee you have to call it a "grande."

Still not sure where I sit in the "Pink: is she hot or not" debate.

Could just stick to revealing embarrassing details about my personal life.

Yo: ironic use of hip-hop slang seems to be pretty hot these days. Maybe I could talk about how things are "wack," "phat" or "bangin’." Also: referring to things as "da bomb" or "da chronic" seem to be going over huge. Maybe dat's dat shit, naw’mean?

Ah, fuck it. Maybe I’ll just keep writing about dead whores.