Hollywood Squares... In My Brain!

by Aaron Abrams

HOSTDUDE: Our first contestant... Mr. Aaron Abrams!

ME: Thanks Dude.

HOSTDUDE: Hopefully you can dethrone our fearsome champion today. The crowd is really behind you. Who would you like to start off with, Mr. Aaron Abrams of Toronto?

ME: I'm going to take Whoopi Goldberg in the center square.

HOSTDUDE: OkaaaaaaayWhoopi! Are you Ready?

WHOOPI: Don't go there, Girl.

HOSTDUDE: HaHaHa! Okaaaaaaaaayhere's the question. What backup second baseman set the record for most stolen bases for a player over forty?

WHOOPI: Wait... What? I thought you were going to ask me that question about Migranes and I was going to do that 'Don't go there, Girl' joke. I have no idea who the... Who would know that?

ME: I know that, actually. The answer would be Davey Lopes. In 1986, He became the only forty-year-old to steal 20 bases, helping the Houston Astros win their division.

HOSTDUDE: Circle gets the Square! Aaron Abrams is a encyclopedagenius!

ME: Thanks, Dude.

HOSTDUDE: And unfortunately Whoopi, you didn't know the answer. So you get the screws.

(At this point Judge Reinhold and Sammy Sosa exit their squares and converge from either side to apply the screws to Whoopi. Whoopi goes nutzoid from screwpain.)

HOSTDUDE: Okaaaaaaaaaay now its over to our champion!

ME: I would like to go again if I could.

HOSTDUDE: Hmmmmmm. I don't know. Crowd? Should we let him?

(The crowd full of monkeys make fart noises with their mouths to show their approval.)

HOSTDUDE: It's over to you, Mr. Aaron Abrams with hands so nice that sometimes women compliment them!

ME: I'll take Mr. T.

HOSTDUDE: Mr. Teeeeeeeeee! Are you Ready?

MR.T: I pity the fool who isn't ready.

HOSTDUDE: HaHaHa.

ME: HaHaHa. HaHaHa. HaHaOooooofuckshitdude...

HOSTDUDE: Okaaaaaaaaaayhere's the question. How do you fight tartar build-up?

MR.T: With my fists. Grrrrrrr.

HOSTDUDE: Aaron?

ME: I'm going to agree, dude.

HOSTDUDE: Circle get the Square! Should we let him go again? Crowd, whadya think?

(Monkeys wave bananas. One monkey throws his banana at another monkey. That monkey makes that angry monkey noise I like.)

HOSTDUDE: Well you heard the monkeys! Its over to you, Mr. Aaron Abrams who's been working out recently!

ME: I'll take Jay Mohr, Dude.

HOSTDUDE: Jay Mohr of Jerry Maguire, Pluto Nash and three failed sitcoms! Okaaaaaahere's your question. Were you lying on The Tonight Show when you told your Buddy Hacket Story?

JAY MOHR: Absolutely. It takes a very astute man to remember that Hank Azaria told the exact same story on Conan O'Brian a year before. And when you confronted me in that bar in New York, I should have come clean instead of changing the subject to racehorses. Kudos, Homage and Accolades to you, Mr. Aaron Abrams. And shame. Shame on me, Jay Mohr.

HOSTDUDE: Aaron?

ME: I will agree, Dude.

HOSTDUDE: Circle gets the square!

ME: Hey, what if instead of a circle, it was like a big shaky noodle?

HOSTDUDE: Shakynoodle gets the square!

ME: Sweet. And lets get some of those screws on Jay Mohr, eh?

HOSTDUDE: Here comes the Judge!

(Judge Reinhold and Sammy Sosa converge on Jay Mohr who makes a run for it. He runs up into the upper right-hand corner square where Seth Green is dressed in my clothes and humping Alyssa Milano. Mohr scoots across into a square where President Danza is giving a gibberish speech in a derby hat, a breakdancing Van Damme does a splitsdance and breakdancing Dana Carvey Turtle-Man is doing a spin dance and my doctor is there, and then into a square where midgets are riding ponies. At this point, Judge Reinhold and Sammy Sosa give Jay Mohr the screws until his teeth fall right out and dance around a little. The Crowd-monkeys go nutzoid.)

HOSTDUDE: Our winner, and new champion... Mr. Aaron Abrams! Unfortunatly, we must say good-bye to our former champion Miss Composite of All Ex-Girlfriends, who, because of this humiliating defeat, must now have her parents refer to Aaron Abrams as their favourite!

(The neon apparatus begins to flash. Then it accelerates And the floor begins to rotate. At this point, Miss Composite of All Ex-Girlfriends starts to tongue kiss Sammy Sosa. I can't find a bathroom. Midgets are in my way. Mandy Patinkin asks me if I got my hair cut like that on purpose. I can't find a bathroom. Mandy Patinkin wants to fight me. I try to run but I have ugly feet. Get out of my way, midgets. I have to pee. Sammy Sosa does one of those potsmoke/kiss things with my ex-girlfriends. The whole apparatus is falling! Run, Midgets, Run! A drop of urine touches my jeans...

My eyes open, I take a breath. Then I get up and go to the bathroom.

End Credits.

Thanks for a great show! Tune in Tomorrow you motherfucking crowdmonkeys!
Thank-you...And Goodnight!