How I Would Approach A Fight With Mike Tyson

by Liam Eagle

INTRODUCTION

(Questions) How? Why is this happening? Why would a professionally trained killing machine such as Mike Tyson want to step in to the ring with an untrained, passably-athletic civilian such as myself? Why would anybody want to be witness to that, let alone be involved in some organizational capacity? Are we, all of a sudden, living in the Imaginary Republic of Pretendonia?

(Answers) It does not matter. A winner does not question why. A winner, such as myself, accepts the proverbial lemons supplied by life and transforms them into the sweet, delicious lemonade of pugilistic victory.

PREPARATION

Fact: Mike Tyson was, not so long ago, the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world.
Fact: I have never worn two boxing gloves at the same time.
Fact: What does this mean?

We can easily draw the conclusion that Mike Tyson is what odds-makers call "the favourite." Translation: of the two of us, he is more likely to win. Rather than argue with fact, a winner, such as myself, accepts fact and incorporates it into his strategy. This fight will not be won through a Balboaesque show of heart and determination. This fight can only be won through a perfectly executed display of cunning. I know this. And knowing, as they say, is half the solution.

cun·ning
Pronunciation: 'k&-ni[ng]
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from present participle of can know
Date: 14th century
1 : dexterous or crafty in the use of special resources (as skill or knowledge) or in attaining an end [a cunning plotter]
2 : displaying keen insight [a cunning observation]
3 : characterized by wiliness and trickery [cunning schemes]
4 : prettily appealing : CUTE [a cunning little kitten]
Synonym: see CLEVER, SLY

PHYSICAL TRAINING

Mike Tyson, they say, punches hard. He moves fast. Boxing comes as easily to him as seducing many and various women comes to Lenny Kravitz. It's what he was made for. It's what he loves. My training, therefore, will not focus on "sparring" and "shadow boxing." It will focus more exclusively on essential tactics such as "running backwards with hands held protectively in front of face," and "turtling."

MIND GAMES

Mike Tyson, they say, has two weaknesses: a crippling dementia and an insatiable lust for rape. A gentleman, however, does not prey on such weaknesses. A gentleman, such as myself, does not bait a rapist with suggestively-dressed college girls. He does not indulge the lunatic's tremendous lack of self control. My mind games will remain "above the belt." At our pre-fight press conference, I will arrive dressed as a matador. When asked about this, I will turn to my opponent, explaining that "I am the matador and you, Mr. Tyson, are the bull." I will then sit back, smugly satisfied with the accuracy of my metaphor. Shaken, Mike Tyson will retreat into an introspective shell, answering reporters' questions curtly and prompting headlines of "Does This Bull Really Have Horns?" At our weigh-in, I will politely raise my hand. When addressed, I will ask, "Hypothetically speaking, is it illegal to go invisible during the fight?" I will quietly record the answer in my notebook, which I will have with me. I will also have a pen.

ENTRANCE MUSIC

Jet Airliner, by the Steve Miller Band.

IN-RING TACTICS

I outweigh Mike Tyson by approximately 30 pounds. I am three inches taller than him and approximately twelve years younger. This almost certainly will not come into play during our fight. Mike Tyson, they say, is built "like a brick shithouse." I, on the other hand, am built like a slightly larger shithouse made mostly of sticks and mud. I will run from him, with my hands held protectively in front of my face, just as I practiced. Did I mention that I also practiced throwing my voice? Well I did. "I'm over here now!" I will say as he corners me, throwing my voice so it comes from behind him. "Of course," he will think, "he has gone invisible." As he turns in confusion to search for me, I will unleash my secret weapon, the running haymaker, knocking him cold.

Triumph! An unknown boxer defeating a former champion in a first round knockout.

POST-FIGHT REVIEW

"It was like being hit with a sledgehammer," I will say from my hospital bed, describing the crushing blow Mike Tyson delivered to my skull after my running haymaker glanced harmlessly off his shoulder. "A sledgehammer right in my face." I will do my best to remain pleasant with the press, ignoring the excruciating pain caused by the broken bones in my face. A winner does not complain. A winner, such as myself, accepts defeat as a learning experience. Next time, Mr. Tyson, I will be better prepared.