How to Pick Up Chicks and Score With Them All Over the Place
by Liam Eagle
Most of us have already figured out the fact that meaningful relationships with chicks and ladies are what really make life worth living. But many of us haven't yet figured out all the tricks and sneaks we need to know in order to make a meaningful, loving relationship last forever. A lot of that is due to lack of practice, which can most probably be attributed to the fact that some of us don't even understand the basics of picking up those chicks to begin with. Think about it, dude. How can you have all kinds of meaningful, lasting relationships if you're only picking up a few chicks here and there? You can't. And that's the truth!
It takes a real smooth operator with all kinds of tricks and moves to really pick up chicks and score with them like crazy all over the place. But only that kind of constant practice can prepare you to sneak your way into a committed, loving, fulfilling relationship.
So guess what then? I'm going to teach you how to pick up chicks!
Note: If you are not interested in having meaningful relationships with ladies, and are only reading this so you can better spend a lifetime picking up chicks and scoring all over the place without any caring, understanding or genuine love, then you are a fucker, and could probably satisfy yourself with strippers and whores. Personally, I would prefer you didn't use the information in this guide.
WHERE TO GO
Have you heard the expression "looking for love in all the wrong places?" I haven't. And if you haven't either, then I probably made it up. Nevertheless, it's a pretty accurate description of what most of you guys are doing right now.
There are three keys, they say, to picking up chicks: location, location and not smelling bad. This means that if you're sticking to grocery stores and church, then you're missing out on all kinds of prime locations for picking up chicks like crazy. Just a few of these places are nightclubs, cruise ships, block parties, parades, college campuses and underwater. I suggest you check them out.
PICK UP LINES
Okay. Here's an idea that I just thought of: it's you, getting a fucking clue. Are you kidding me? Pick up lines do not work, man. Think back. Was there ever a time that you successfully picked up a chick by saying something about how an angel was missing from fucking heaven? Yes? Then stop reading right now, because you are obviously some kind of wizard who is capable of picking up chicks by casting all kinds of spells and things, and you don't need to stoop to the same kind of minor-league trickery as the rest of us. By the way, wizard, can you turn my landlord into a frog, so I don't have to pay my rent anymore? That would be great, stupid.
JUST BE YOURSELF
The most imortant thing to remember when picking up chicks is that you want a woman to like you for who you are. Unfortunately, that's not going to work if you're the douche-bag that I suspect you are. Let's face it, if you weren't, you'd probably already be picking up chicks and scoring every time you walked out of your house. In your case, douche-bag, you're going to have to try something new.
PRETEND TO BE SOMEBODY COOL
I'm sorry I called you a "douche-bag" before. Please understand that whatever I said, I was only trying to help. Think about it. Pamela Anderson is dating rock and roll rap star Kid Rock. Janet Jackson is dating pop music superstar Justin Timberlake. J.Lo is dating movie star Ben Affleck. And Ashley Judd is married to race car driving star Dario Franchitti. These guys have all scored with ladies because they've mastered one simple trick: pretending to be somebody cool.
When you're picking up ladies, pretending to be somebody cool will really boost your market value. Try saying things like "I'm the guy who invented that crazy new scooter thing," or "Lance Danger, professional Space Ace. Pleased to space your acquaintance." Next thing you know, you'll be in a meaningful relationship. Pick-up successful!
Note: Later, after picking up a chick, you're going to have to pretend to be somebody gay. So start dropping hints now, like "I like fashion" or "I like having sex with men," followed by "maybe I'm gay, huh?"
MANNERS AND MANNERISMS
Here are a few hints:
Yelling
Humiliation
Brooding
Rude gestures
Kind gestures
Quickness
Smartness
Aggression
Smoke a pipe, maybe
Vulnerability
THE BEAUTY TRAP
Fact: Beautiful women know that they are beautiful.
Fact: Also, they love being considered beautiful.
Fact: But they hate being complimented.
Fact: What can you do to get around this situation?
Fact: Simple! By using a strategy known as "un-complimenting."
"Un-complimenting," or "insulting," is an excellent technique for circumventing the beauty trap. Saying things like "nice head (sarcastically)," or "your clothes are ugly and they don't match," or "I used to have that same haircut when I was enrolled in the Academy of Stupidness" will really help to communicate the fact that you're not impressed. And in this little game, not impressed means desireable.
THE ETTIQUETTE OF SCORING
Most women don't know they are required by certain unwritten rules of ettiquette to score with you if you accumulate 100 or more points from the following scale:
Hold door open: 10 points
Compliment boobs/ass: 10 points
Buy her things: $1 = 1 point
Flowers: 10 points
Write her letters all the time: 20 points
Save her life: 50 points
Beat up her boyfriend: 100 points
As I said, however, most women aren't aware of these rules. And unfortunately, becuase they are unwritten, they are also unenforceable. In fact, your attempts to "enforce" these rules will be considered "assault" by most people. Do not attempt to enforce the rules. Of course, you might still consider some of the actions on the scale, as women tend to award the points intuitively anyway.
DEFLECTING REJECTION
Every so often, even when you're working with the best tricks in the book, you'll have to deal with rejection. Maybe you fucked up. Or maybe she is what is known as a "cold fish," a woman that doesn't respond favorably to my advances. Whatever the reason, you're going to look stupid unless you make her look stupid.
If you're ready to leave, try yelling something like "what you just said about Chinese people was totally racist!" and then walking away. If you'd prefer that she leave, a quick look at your handgun will probably send her in the direction of the door. But sometimes, I've found, the best thing to do is stick your face right in hers, flash a couple of your best dance moves, then turn and walk away.
She had better hope she got a good look, baby, 'cause this Ace is heading back to the Space Base.
