How to Dress for Success
by Justin Anderson
We here at Somethingspace are, as you know, all about helping out our loyal readers. Whether it’s how to score with chicks or how to dispose of dead prostitutes, we’re here for you. Well, we’re here for the guys, at least. We don’t really know what to make of women. I guess maybe Liam does. But I’m pretty much in the dark here.
Anyway: what we’re helping out with today is success. More to the point, we’re out to help you get some. Success, I mean. Like Roxette said, you gotta dress for success, and I think that that particular Swedish pop group was on to something. So without further ado, the Somethingspace guide to dressing for success.
KID
When you’re a kid, your main concerns are . . . I can’t remember. Probably shiny stuff, toys and things like that. When I was a kid, I wanted this one Transformer. He turned into a Lamborghini Countach, a red one. I can’t remember his name, but my dad wouldn’t buy it for me. But hey, maybe if I’d been dressed properly, like maybe in overalls and a little plastic bucket, I would have got the damn toy, and I wouldn’t now hate my father.
TEENAGER
Everybody knows that teenagers are a whirlwind of confused emotions. Horny, lovesick, horny, angst-ridden, hungry, depressed, horny, angry, stoned, horny and horny. A successful teen will likely have lots of friends, loads of sex and decent grades to ensure a place at a college or university with plenty of hot, willing students. The path to achieving such lofty goals can vary. Naturally, male and female teenagers dress differently. For girls, tight, low slung jeans and breast-highlighting tanktops (preferably low-cut to show off plenty of cleavage) ensures the kind of attention from cute boys and influential male teachers that will help you get the sex and the grades you want. As for guys, baggy jeans and a tanktop should do, I guess. Maybe bleached-blond hair. I mean, that’s how that Eminem cat dresses, and he probably picks up chicks like crazy and scores with them all over the place. And he’s fucking filthy rich too.
YOUNG ADULT
Whether fresh from a post-secondary institution or a few years into a backbreaking, soulcrushing minimum wage job you hate, people in their early to mid-20s are all looking for the opportunity to start the life they want. Success, then, for a young adult, is usually found either through the societal validation of a high-paying office job or through the personal validation of the pursuit of some kind of cockamamie dream. For the former, a snappy business suit will help you land the right job as a soulless corporate drone, while in the case of the latter, some beat-up jeans, a kitschy T-shirt – maybe a reference to a beloved cartoon from the 1980s – a leather jacket, cigarettes, and the slowly-dawning realization that you may not ever amount to anything should complete your look.
ADULT
Well, at this point you’re either successful or you’re not. Either you’re in a suit and tie and having dinner with the boys and girls from accounting and going over the annual reports and fucking your secretaries or bosses and doing blow all the goddamn time, or you’re in a pair of sweatpants, resigned to a life only slightly above the poverty line with a husband or wife you hate only slightly more than your menial job. Wear whatever you fucking want. By 30 your life’s pretty over anyway. Good luck!
OLD PERSON
Hey, when you’re old, any day you don’t die is a good one, right? And clothes don’t really have mush impact on that. If living to the point where you can’t remember your children’s names and drooling all over yourself is "success," then try wearing some polyester pants pulled up to your fucking nipples or some creepy translucent stockings that don’t hide those varicose veins half as well as you seem to think they do. And creep me the fuck out.
