Imagine if. . .

by Liam Eagle

. . . everybody found children's playgrounds way more exciting then we currently do, like "holy shit! I can't wait to go down the slide!"

. . . smoking cigarettes was something that people planned whole evenings around, like "some people are coming by later to smoke cigarettes if you want to drop in."

. . . babies were a lot more like pit-bulls, or rather, they were exactly the same as they are now, only every now and then one of them would lunge at you. I envision the following exchange.

"Holy shit, man. That baby just lunged at me."

"Yeah, babies'll do that."

. . . the cool dudes all had a third testacle on the roofs of their mouths.

. . . I had answered the phone when my mother called this afternoon.

. . . you could get some totally fucking sweet car for free, on the condition that you always had to have the same shitty Dr. Dre song cranked.

. . . instead of just running away and flapping around and shit all the time, pigeons were also always booing you.

. . . instead of "stop" signs; "go faster" signs.

. . . that actor who looked kind of like Johnny Depp had had a long, successful career in movies. What was his name? Oh yeah. Skeet Ulrich.

. . . vehemently anti-establishment rapper Eminem was actually just a glorified cartoon character, painstakingly crafted for mass-consumption. Oh, nevermind.