A Reluctant Interview with Katie the Documentary Subject

by Aaron Abrams

Katie lives in Chicago and is currently a student of Chicago's Second City improv training course, a member of a popular improv troupe, called "Tru Pilzner," and the main subject of an upcoming A&E Documentary about the Second City improv students. This interview took place over the phone.

Me: So what's it like bein' on a 'Reality Show'?

Katie: It sucks robots.

Me: Why so bad? What's the deal with reality television anyway?

Katie: Reality TV is poo in a bucket. I am involved in a documentary, which is respectable.

Me: Oh you documentary subjects, always looking down on the Reality TV people.

Katie: When you run in the "documentary subject crowd," you don't have time for these "Reality TV" ding dongs.

Me: So tell me about it. Plug it; your documentary thing.

Katie: Its about Second City and the classes and it's told through my eyes. They follow my troupe developing skits. Wait--'Plug it'? What's going on here? Are you... What is this? Is this like an interview for your little...

Me: Yeah. Yeah, it is. Sorry.

Katie: Jesus. Do you even know what a day is like for me? I get this shit all day long and now I gotta get it from you too? Fuck you. This is ridiculous. I thought you just wanted... what you're doing here- trying to tiptoe around and sneak a little interview on me? Ridiculous. You should be fucked on your front lawn in front of your wife and kid.

Me: Haha, no, you're right. I'll stop. I just needed to write something and I knew you wouldn't be into it. So how is everything?

Katie: Things are messed up. Ugh. These documentary guys are weird. They come around, they come to my house and set up "scenes" for me. They made me make tea and talk to my sister about my day. I put water in the tea pot and then immediately poured it into my cup without warming it up. They made me go into my apartment three times, and they made my sister greet me at the door. It's Awkward City, USA.

Me: Why you, do you think?

Katie: I dunno. They just chose somebody. They like me because I'm broke and I drink like a fifty-year-old Vietnam veteran who's trying to forget the war.

Me: It sounds like you don't think you're worthy. Being a documentary subject doesn't drive up your self-worth?

Katie: You're still interviewing me. Fuck you.

Me: You're right. I lied.

Katie: Yeah! Fuck! Quit it! Asshole... Asshole! I'm fucking trying to tell you something. You asked me a question and I wanted to answer it. What was... Oh. The, ah, 'self-worth.' Yeah, I make them laugh. Sometimes I see the boom mike shaking and I look and the sound guy is spitting and pissing laughter. That makes it a little worthwhile. It's fun. My self worth has increased quite a bit actually. Someone asked yesterday "Why do you always give me the finger?" I said because "that's my thing".

Me: That is your thing.

Katie: Yeah! That is and, oh what else? I like coming up with new slang. "Where IS the syrup?!" That's my new one. I haven't decided what it means yet, but it's working for me so far. Giving someone the finger is good. Getting a laugh is good. They get that immediate response from an audience. This conversation is gettting... I'm sounding all.. this must be boring. Let's make an effort to make more jokes, kay? Go! Ummmm. What were we saying? (laughs) Oh. You know what I'm saying, you're an actor, you know what an audience can do. It inexplicably adds self-worth to your shitty artist life. All these artists who say they do it "just for the art" or "for the art's sake" or whatever, are a bunch of masturbating monkeys in a room. It has to be at least a little for the audience or else its just an orgasm shiver for ONE fucking guy; the artist. And then its essentially worthless. Right now I'm doing the two extremes of that idea, I guess. Sketch Comedy, which, if it's good, seems like it's ALL for the audience. And a Documentary, which, if it's good, seems like its NOT about the audience at all. But it is. It always is. It just presents the lie in a different way. And how you present the lie is the key to your art. Whoa. Can we make fun of retards or baseball coaches now or something? You gotta edit all that bullshit out. That made me sound... I dunno, like...

Me: What do you mean? I'm not interviewing you anymore.

Katie: Fuck off. I always knew you were interviewing me, Dipshit. I thought it would be cooler if we fought about it is all. So I got all mad. I knew what you were doing. I just wanted to add some funny tension to the thing.

Me: Yeah. I knew that you knew and that was good what we did back there. It did make it better I think, maybe more exciting. We'll see though. We could do it funnier. Maybe we'll go back and redo the arguing later.

Katie: Sure.

Me: Last question Petunia- How comfortable are you with all this being watched?

Katie: Like a hammock sometimes; like home. But other times like a looooong night, like waking up in the street with your face on a curb. That is totally the relationship with an audience and all the constant importance it has with a peice-of-shit, needy performer like myself. Sometimes you're on top and sometimes your need for it just beats the shit out of you with a bat. It leads to control issues for the bad people in my class. Always wanting to control the audience, trying to cut out the vulnerable parts of you, but it doesn't work like tha, especially with the two things I'm doing right now. You cut out the vulnerable parts, you cut out he heart of the beast. That would have been cool if I said it like Connery; 'The heart of the beashht'.

Me: "You're tha man now, Dog!"

Katie: Yeah, I don't know what that is. But, ah, I'm not totally there yet. I'm still trying to control how my vulnerability is perceived sometimes. Which can still work, to varying degrees of funny. Overall, the best skits or funniest moments in this documentary thing are when I'm not scared at all and I just go. Or at least I'm the good kind of scared. You HAVE TO find ways to do that and get there. I mean EVERY NIGHT. Like look at that fuckin' Jackass show. The demands of an audience, any audience, are just so crazy, how could I not be fuckin shakin in my booties? The only thing greater is my wanting to be up there and doing it to them. For them. Ummm... Can we... Let's go back for a second. Did you call me Petunia?

Me: Yeah. Yeah I did.

Katie: I like that. Are you drunk.

Me: Yeah. Yeah I am.

Katie: I fucking knew it!

Me: No, wait though! The last time I did an interview with someone for the site I was drunk and I thought that it would make these interview things more interesting if I was drunk every time I did them because it's clear that I don't really know what I'm doing to begin with. Plus, I thought I'd be funnier.

Katie: No, I hear that. I'm drinking myself, actually.

Me: Hilarious. Like a vet trying to forget the war?

Katie: Getting there. Taking the edge off. Gotta do a show later tonight. The camera crew is coming over in a second to film me making another cup of tea. And, I mean... y'know. Gotta make it worth everyones while.

Me: I hear that.

Katie: Look- Gotta run. Make me look like a dipshit in this and I'll ruin you. Seriously. Don't use this, or atleast you gotta bang it all up to make us look cool. And not boring. Bye Fuckface.

Me: Will do. Later Katie. And have a good show.