The Cursed Life of a Charmed Prince: a Sampling From the Out-Box of one Justin Timberlake
by Aaron Abrams
To: Hottiebritneyhothot@hotmail.com
From: JustinTimerberlake01@aol.com
Subject: Re: I still love you forever, Justin!
Dearest Britney,
I hope you are doing well and dancing a lot. I wanted to say again how sorry I am that things could not work out between us. I also wanted you to know that we did not separate because of the whole sex thing between us; I would not have lost my virginity to anyone but you and am relieved you feel the same. And giving up the anal? Above and beyond the call.
You are a good friend, someone I look up to and someone I respect. You are also widely regarded as the hottest living woman in the world. That being said, I appreciate you flying out to see my shows, giving me that locket to wear and allowing me to go to town on your body and on your ass.
I also know how hard it will be to find someone with so much in common- you being the biggest pop superstar in the world -female version- I would seem to have found my soulmate. But it was not to be. I guess.
Maybe something is wrong with me. I dunno.
Sincerly,
Justin.
P.S. I think it be best for you if you saw some other people. I mean, like, some people more famous then these guys you've been with lately. Barry Bonds?
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To: JCsecondfiddle@aol.com,chriskirkpatrick01-3452829@aol.com,The_Fat_one@aol.com,gayastronaut@aol.com
From: JustinTimerberlake01@aol.com
Subject: Re: We love your new album!
Dearest NSYNC,
I hope you are doing well and dancing a lot. I wanted to tell you that if you guys weren't so supportive of my career, I would never have left you. Thank you for making me leader and constantly informing the world that I was more talented than you; I thought it quite noble. Even you, stubborn J.C! (lol). But much like how I became our leader, the demand for me to start as a solo artist was so great that I had no choice. I would have thought that leaving the biggest band ever would be a strange move- but no one else does I guess. I also wanted Lance to know that we did not separate because of the whole sex thing.
Sincerly,
Justin.
P.S. Bye, Bye, Bye (lol).
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To: IfuckedJustinfuckingTimberlake!@yahoo.com
From: JustinTimerberlake01@aol.com
Subject Re: I love your cock in me!
Dearest Backup Dancer Chick I fucked,
I appreciate allowing me to experiment what it would be like with an average, hotgirl off the street, non-celebrity type. Seriously though, not to be mean, but I could fuck Britney Spears. Y'know what I'm saying?
Stop calling me, please and thanks :)
Sincerly,
Justin.
P.S. I think you should start seeing other people. I mean smaller celebrities. chriskirkpatrick01-3452829@aol.com?
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To:Jacksonfamily01.janet@hotmail.com
From:JustinTimerberlake01@aol.com
Subject: Re: I love you/your cock forever, Justin!
Dearest Janet.
>>I hope you are doing well and dancing a lot. I wanted to say again how sorry I am
>>that things did not work out between us. I also wanted you to know that we did not
>>separate because of the whole sex thing between us; I would not have blew my
>>load on anyone but you and am relieved you feel the same. And giving up the
>>anal? Above and beyond the call.
>>You are a good friend, someone I look up to and someone I respect. You are also
>>widely regarded as the hottest living african-american woman in the world. That
>>being said, I appreciate you flying out to see my shows, dumping those rappers
>>and allowing me to go to town on your body and on your ass.
>>I also know how hard it will be to find some one with so much in common- you
>>being the biggest pop superstar in the world -female version- I would seem to have
>>found my soulmate. But it was not to be. I guess.
>>Maybe something is wrong with me. I dunno
Also. I thought being loved by a mature woman would be different and more challenging than the screaming little girls types, but it wasn't. Now I have screaming women types. You have only made things worse for me I'm afraid.
Sincerly,
Justin.
P.S. Tell your brother to stop calling me 'The King of Pop'. Or on the phone. Seriously.
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To: God@god.org
From:JustinTimerberlake01@aol.com
Subject: A prayer.
Dearest Lord,
Women throw so much pussy at me that I could not possibly catch it all, not even with one of those baseball gloves that are the size of a sofa. I try to have sex with only the hottest women you ever created and but it seems to be just too easy for me. You'd think taking the virginity of the hottest girl in the world would be difficult but she gave me her cherry and put in a locket for me to wear when I perform. It's engraved "I love you forever, Justin!" The locket, not the cherry.
My career has skyrocketed in a genre of music you killed with "The New Kids on the Block." I get played on BET for no apparent reason. I thought that it would be a challenge for me to date an unfamous person. This only made things worse. Now all the little ladies believe themselves to be eligible and went from tossing their undies to directly tossing their hymens, scrawled notes with little drawn hearts attached; "I love you forever, Justin!"
I thought being with a woman with a lot of experience would challenge me. She said I was the best lover she ever had even though I fell asleep repeatedly. One time I was so bored I called her "Jermaine" by accident. She loved that so much she gave me a lap dance. I'm with Alyssa Milano now, who is also widely regarded as the hottest thing ever and I can't even get horny anymore. I squeeze the base to try and get a semi, chase her around, then fall asleep on my face. She doesn't even care. She carries my golf clubs and says I'm the best.
But why am I telling you this? You know. You see my torture. I can no longer be purely loved in the way you intended. I can no longer purely enjoy my musical talents in the way you intended. I can't even get a pure hard-on in the way you intended.
I thank you for all your blessings but enough is enough.
Please help me now, God, no one understands my pain but you.
Sincerly,
Justin.
P.S. Hope you are doing well and dancing a lot.
