In Conversation with Larry: Driver to the Stars

by Aaron Abrams

The following is a paraphrased conversation. Sort of like a greatest hits. The names of celebrities have been changed in order to protect them and to protect us, for they are very powerful people, with lawyers and such. Larry is waiting for me at my front door.

LARRY: You Aaron? I'm Larry! C'mon in here! How are ya? The door opens automatically, don't touch it... Hey! Aaron! Don't touch the door, man.

ME: Oh. It moves by itself. I see. Sorry. I'm... sorry. Sorry.

LARRY: Hey! I know you! I've seen you in a BUNCH of movies! How ya doin, man?... Hey! Don't close it! Don't TOUCH the DOOR, man, it's automatic!

ME: Oh. Wow. Yeah. It really is. Sorry. I'm sorry. Um... you say you've seen me?

LARRY: Hey, you wanna buy a skidoo? I got sixty of them, sellin them off. Big thing I'm doin.

ME: No, um. No thanks. Sorry. I'm sure you drive people with a lot more money than me. I'm like... nothing really. What did you see me in?

LARRY: If you make a living by acting, then you got enough money for a skidoo, man.

ME: I don't. Not really.

LARRY: Oh. What else do you do.

ME: I work... um. (I get the idea) I write for a Web site. I interview people...

LARRY: Hey Man! What you should do is listen here because I'm going to tell you something. You should interview me. I got tons of stuff. All the dirt on the celebrities, man!

ME: Okay! Wo!

LARRY: Wo! Oh, Man! Look at you! You got the pen, the paper! Whoa! Look out! Don't hurt nobody! I'm worried about ya!

ME: That's right, man! Here goes. Ready! Tell me about celebrities.

(pause)

LARRY: You're shit at interviewing, man. No wonder you can't buy a skidoo. Haha. No man, you're a bad man. You're big time. Okay. Okay! Hey- you know Meg Roger?

ME: Yeah. She's seems nice. Cute.

LARRY: The worst human ever.

ME: No!

LARRY: Yeah! And you know Jake Nelson?

ME: Yah. I hear he's a real handful.

LARRY: No man! He let me sleep on his couch! Called me up the other day from France. From France! Just to say "Hey." He's the greatest guy in the world!

ME: Wow. I thought he was a drunk.

LARRY: No, man. He just acts like that. He's immature, he stands on tables and spits potato salad at people. So, people said he was drunk and he wasn't. Bad rap. He's got that syndrome, what do you call it; C.S.I? That's not right.

ME: A.D.D.?

LARRY: Yes! MAN, you are fuckin SMART. But, yeah, that's all it was, that A.D. thing. Don't believe everything you read, man. I mean, yes, most are spoiled, a lot of entourages, personal assistants, demands. But sometimes they call you from France. Just to say 'hey'. Y'know?

ME: Why are most celebs the way the are, do you think? Spoiled?

LARRY: You gotta understand that the bullshit is comin at them from all sides. You got recognition, money, power. That's all anyone ever wanted. Even if you're a cool guy and don't buy into any of it, you're still are gonna come out effected in some way. The only guys I've driven who don't, are the guys that are so big that they've risen above the bullshit; The DePacinos and Niros. But everyone else, they got no chance. Even if they got a cool head, there just is so much of it. So-much-bullshit. Flyin around like bats. Like flying monkeys. The attention, the money, the power; all that jazz, man. In your ear, like a trombone; 'BWAAAA'. You're a pretty big actor. You gotta know what I'm talkin about.

ME: Well... right. Sure.

LARRY: Even if you do have a cool head; no chance in hell. You can't resist! Nobody could! I couldn't! And, what? People hate them for it? I say bullshit on that. Bullshit! Cuz its like this, are you ready, listen here cuz here's where its at- THAT's why we LOVE them. Cuz they have it. That's why were interested in them. The making a name for yourself, making a buck. Having everything done for you! Who wouldn't want that?

ME: They are the dream, aren't they?

LARRY: Name. Money. Power. Triple crown, man. What we live for. Deep down. In the darkness. (Into a walkie-talkie) -We've arrived on set, I've got 'Double-A', taking him to his trailer. Over.- That's your new name; 'The Double A'. That'll get spread around the set real quick. It'll be your handle before ya know it. (yells out the window at some crew hands) I've got the Double A in here! Look out for The Double A! I'm worried about ya!

ME: Thanks, man. Thanks for the ride.

LARRY: Sure! You wanna buy a skidoo? I could really use the-

ME: No.

LARRY: Cool, man! There's your trailer. There's food, heating pads. Anything you need. Somebody'll come around in a couple hours. Unless you need anything, then you just holler. They'll swoop in.

ME: Like monkeys?

LARRY: What?

(pause)

LARRY: That was fuckin crazy! You're hilarious, man. It was great meeting you! I love drivin' all the familiar faces. The next guy in here, will be asking what it was like to drive YOU. And I can't wait to tell them. You're a pretty big, man. But you're cool, you don't let on. That's good.

ME: Hm. Hey, Larry, get the door for me.

LARRY: Sure thing, Double A.

(Larry pushes a button and the door opens for me, automatically.)