Last Words Spoken with Various Beautiful Women
by Aaron Abrams
Age: 14.
Event: Writing in my book. She rested her head on my lap.
HER: What are you writing? Can I see?
(I purposely drop some water on her face.)
HER: Agh! You Suck! Any chance you had, you just blew it! You are such a squidy fuckface! A squidy, squidy fuckface suckface!
Denoument: Confused and excited, I thought "I had a chance?!?"
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Age:15.
Event: Watching T.V.
ME: Is anybody home?
HER: No. And I've been wanting to tell you something...
ME: What do you want to watch?
HER: I think you are so cute...
ME: OH! Can we watch this? That's Papa Shango. He's this voodoo guy who's after the belt and he put this curse on the Ultimate Warrior....Look! Look! He's Vomiting!
Denoument: She leaned her head on my shoulder. And I stared straight ahead. The next week she changed where she sat, moving across the class.
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Age: 16.
Event: Meeting a girlfriend, coming out of class.
ME: What's shakin' Big Bacon?
HER: Did you just call me a pig?
ME: What? No!
HER: No. You did. A "Big Bacon." A pig. A FAT pig. You called me a "Fat Shakin' Pig."
ME: I didn't. I'm sorry. I don't know what I did, I was just saying a funny saying, I'm sorry...
HER: Things aren't working out. Do you think things are working out? I don't think they're working out. Okay?
Denoument: Dumped.
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Age: 17.
Event: Upstairs at a party. Alone in a bedroom.
HER:When you put your arm around me at that other party... did you want to kiss me?
ME: Um. I didn't. No, well. I. There certainly was an attraction. Is. But, y'know. I was... I am... y'know. I'm not the kind of guy who's just going to grab you and kiss you.
HER: Oh.
Denoument: She closed her eyes. And went to sleep. I stared straight ahead.
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Age: 18.
Event: A park.
ME: I don't understand. I don't... How could you...
HER: You're not getting over it. It's been two weeks. You've got to get over it. It's over. (pause)
You'll figure it out. I dumped you: you can't count on me to help you get through this. This is, like, a new thing for you, being dumped, being in love, and eventually, you'll figure it out.
ME: Listen to you. How could you be like this?
HER: Like what?
ME: So cold. Such a terrible, cold person. I mean... Do you not even remember what we... You don't remember anything. Who am I talking to?! You are... You suck! You will always be too selfish and too cold and too much of a fuckface to be anything but alone; you'll just hop from cock to cock to cock- Bitch-Slut-Whore!
(I start leaving.)
HER: (softly) Now you're getting it.
Denoument: Dumped. She moved away. I hardened.
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Age: 20
Event: Drunk Sex.
ME: Mmm, Angie...
HER: My name is Jennifer.
Denoument: After it was over and I asked her to leave, she went peacefully, having already seen it coming.
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Age: 21
Event: Seeing an Ex for the first time in a while. Trying to make her feel bad, I walked in her door with new shoes, new pants, new hair, new complexion and new muscles.
ME: Hi. You... you look different. You look great.
HER: Yeah... And what's new with you?
Denoument: I left soon after, suddenly realizing that I had no reason to be there.
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Age: 22
Event: Seeing an Ex at the Laundry Land.
ME: Hey.
HER: Yeah. "Hi."
Denoument: Feeling guilty, I let her have the first available dryer. She didn't thank me.
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Age: 23
Event: A keg party.
ME: I knew the second you did that trick with your tongue that you would never sleep with me. And I wasn't looking for a relationship, so I didn't feel comfortable ever calling you.
HER: You want to see another trick?
Denoument: She kicked me in the dick. Her friends shouted obscenities at me from the porch. I think I got hammered with a guy named "Porterhouse" and some blond girls.
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Age: 24
Event: Writing in my book. Her head was on my lap.
HER: What are you writing? Can I see?
(I show her)
HER: These are great! I love these!
(She reads on)
HER: We need to talk...
Denoument: Dumped. I understand. She moves away. I finish the column.
