Mom vs. Dad: Favourite Parent Decathlon

by Enis Esmer

EVENT #1:
I am due to be born on December 15, 1978, in Ankara, Turkey, but come out two weeks late.

Mom: Holds me in her arms, tears trickling down her sweaty, tired face, a joy beyond words emanating from the core of her very being.
Dad: Mutters "I hope this doesn't become a pattern with him."
Winner: Mom

EVENT #2:
My parents take me to my first movie, "Short Circuit," about a robot that comes to life after being struck by lightning.

Mom: Explains that just because it's in the movie, doesn't mean I can swear.
Dad: Calls me "Johnny 5" for a month, a pattern that would continue with "Maverick" and "Venkman."
Winner: Dad

EVENT #3:
Using the savings from my $2 weekly allowance, I purchase Snap's "The Power," featuring the hits "I Got The Power" and "Oops Upside Ya Head."

Mom: Demands to see it before I even listen to it and, after deeming the song titles inappropriate, throws it in the garbage.
Dad: Is sleeping on the couch the whole time.
Winner: Dad

EVENT #4:
Kids at the neighbourhood pool make fun of me for wearing a speedo.

Mom: Claims they only bought me speedos because that's the custom in Turkey, and I could have asked for swim trunks at any time.
Dad: Mutters "if it weren't for speedos, I never would have met your mother," then smokes a cigarette right in front of me.
Winner: Mom

EVENT #5:
A new variety show called "In Living Color" premieres on Fox.

Mom: Upon finding me watching it, turns off the TV and hands me a copy of Homer's "The Iliad."
Dad: Thinks black people are hilarious.
Winner: Dad

EVENT #6:
In the 8th grade, I bring home my best report card ever: all A's except a B in gym.

Mom: Takes me to Chi-Chi's Mexican Restaurant to celebrate.
Dad: Mutters "how about less Chi-Chi's, and more light jogging," then smokes 10 cigarettes right in front of me.
Winner: Mom

EVENT #7:
During my fourth time ever masturbating, my mother catches me.

Mom: After getting over her initial shock, walks out of the room without saying anything. Then, behind my back, she tells my father what happened.
Dad: Brings it up while driving me to piano lessons, tells me he thinks I have a problem and offers to book time with a "specialist."
Winner: Tie

EVENT #8:
Because I am a terrible son, my parents get divorced.

Mom: Moves away to San Francisco, gets a tattoo, takes up scuba diving and marries a man she met over the internet.
Dad: Has to take on a second job as a pizza delivery man.
Winner: Nobody

EVENT #9:
After my dad finds my rolling papers, I admit to both my parents I occasionally smoke weed.

Mom: Reveals she tried pot for the first time just a week before at a "baby shower."
Dad: Tells me as long as my friend Lee (who's studying law at Harvard) does it, it's okay.
Winner: Me

EVENT #10:
I drop out of university to pursue a career in comedy.

Mom: Probably cries or something. I can't be sure. I told her right before I got on a plane.
Dad: Mutters, "At least now I don't have to buy you that car," then has a heart attack.
Winner: Dad

FINAL SCORE:

Mom: 3
Dad: 4

Favourite Parent: Dad

Congratulations, Dad!