Mostly-Critical Imaginary One-Sided Correspondence with People Riding on the Same Subway Car as Me
by Liam Eagle
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Dear Fat Kid with Flame Print Toque, who Smells Like Doritos at 10:30 am,
I suspect, from my nearby vantage point, that your personality is at least as awesome as your awesome hat.
Not altogether sincerely,
Liam
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Dear Two Guys in Their Early 20s Talking About Sports,
It might interest you to know that, listening to your conversation, I’ve been able to determine that the two of you don’t know each other very well. It might also interest you to know that, listening to your conversation, I’ve been able to determine that the two of you don’t know sports very well.
Judgementally,
Liam
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Dear One Guy in His Late 20s Pretending to Read a Book While he Looks at a Pretty Lady
Nice coat. Seriously. It lends you a noticeable air of detatched cool. The over-long, spiky hairdo and open-mouthed gum-chewing technique, on the other hand, are a bit out of your league.
Encouragingly,
Liam
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Dear Pretty Lady,
Your pretty face and general level of cleanliness say to me "I’m pretty, I guess." But the ugly hat and the stupid, ugly handbag say "I fucking lucked out on that prettiness, bigtime."
Skeptically,
Liam
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Dear Somewhat Intimidating Black Guy,
You seem pretty cool, I guess. I can’t really tell, because I purposely sat really far away from you.
With undue timidity,
Liam
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Dear Irrepressibly Original Spiky-Haired Teenage Girl,
You certainly... wait. I’ve already written a letter to you. Right? Or somebody absolutely identical to you. Haven’t I? I must have. Sorry to have bothered you.
Apologetically,
Liam
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Dear Axl Rose,
I find it more than a little suspicious that the lead singer of an internationally renowned American rock and roll band is actually riding the subway, let alone riding the subway in Toronto. I guess I’ll have to chock it up to pure, inexplicable fiction. Anyway, dude, you’ve got to do something about that pale orange weave thing you’re rocking these days.
With fast-waning approval,
Liam
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Dear Guy Writing Smugly in his Notebook,
What are you writing in that notebook of yours? Ooh! I hope it's something mock-sincere! After all, I expect everyone is dying to read your self-indulgent internal monologue. Maybe you could be critical of perfectly unassuming other people through the loose constraints of a paper-thin premise to which you still can't adhere.
You're pathetic. Seriously.
Seriously,
Liam
