My Footwear Reviews The 2002 MTV Video Music Awards

by Justin Anderson

DOCS: Well, here we go. Another MTV Awards. I remember when these used to be fun to watch. Now they’re just . . . boring and stupid.

NEW SNEAKERS: Well, nobody’s forcing you to watch this. I think "Friends" is on.

FLIP FLOPS: Holy shit, look at Britney Spears. She looks like a biker slut.

NEW SNEAKERS: She ALWAYS looks like a biker slut. Tonight it’s just a little more pronounced.

DOCS: My god in heaven, who the fuck let Jimmy Fallon host this thing? He's the worst thing ever.

NEW SNEAKERS: I know. Didn’t they see how awful he and Kirsten Dunst both were hosting the Movie Awards. That motherfucker’s got some compromising pictures of someone over at MTV, I guarantee it.

SLIPPERS: I like Jimmy Fallon. He’s funny, in a low-rent Adam Sandler kind of way. I like how he laughs at all his own jokes. I find it reassuring that HE thinks he’s funny too.

DOCS: Shut the fuck up. What do you know? Justin only wears you in the winter. And he looks so incredibly gay with you on. And all of his friends laugh at him when they see you.

SLIPPERS: Hey . . .

NEW SNEAKERS: Shut up, guys. Pay attention. Fallon’s totally stinking up the joint now with his lame fucking song parodies.

OLD SNEAKERS: I’m way over here in the closet. I can’t see the TV. What’s happening?

DOCS: Nothing. You’re missing nothing.

FLIP-FLOPS: . . . I think I’m scared of Michael Jackson. How insane is this guy?

NEW SNEAKERS: He embarrasses other pedophiles. Did you hear his ex-wife claims she was paid to be artificially inseminated?

DOCS: Fuck pedophelia. I bet he’s never had one sex-related thought in his entire life. He’s asexual.

FLIP-FLOPS: Wow. The Olsen twins are kinda sexy. How old are they now?

OLD SNEAKERS: That's so gross.

DOCS: I can’t believe The White Stripes just accepted an award from the Olsen twins. I’m furious and yet incredibly entertained by this juxtaposition of their oasis of genuine artistic accomplishment amongst a sea of pre-fabricated, churned-out, commercial tripe, which is personified by these two poor, sad girls who have not had one real, true human experience their entire lives.

OLD SNEAKERS: Oasis? Oasis is there? Shit! I wish I could see the TV.

DOCS: Christ almighty, that Dashboard Confessional guy needs a punch in the stomach.

SLIPPERS: I think he’s sweet. I like that he’s really earnest. And whiny. I like whiny.

NEW SNEAKERS: Man, now Fallon’s making fun of the bad comics from "American Idol"? Isn’t Jimmy Fallon mocking bad comedy some kind of moebius strip of bad comedy? Doesn’t it form a kind of hack event horizon?

OLD SNEAKERS: Are you watching "Event Horizon" now? What’s going on? I love that movie.

FLIP-FLOPS: Is that David Lee Roth or an old woman?

NEW SNEAKERS: Is it me, or is Christina Aguilera heading straight towards where Mariah Carey was a year ago?

DOCS: I hate her. She’s so . . . dirty. God I want to have sex with her so bad. Hateful, dirty sex.

FLIP-FLOPS: Hey, look, Eminem’s threatening to beat up the bald vegan. How tough. If I was 15, I’d be eating this shit up with a spoon.

NEW SNEAKERS: Holy shit, it’s Guns N’ Roses! Oh my god!

DOCS: Man, I was just listening to "Appetite For Destruction" a few days ago. Hooray for the hip, ironic rediscovery of Guns N’ Roses!

SLIPPERS: I like Axl’s hair.

FLIP-FLOPS: This looks like Axl Rose fronting Marilyn Manson’s band.

OLD SNEAKERS: What? What’s happening? It sounds like a monumental event that will shake popular culture to its foundations.

DOCS: Nothing. You’re missing nothing.