Dr. Double A's Real NBA Predictions!

by Aabraham Aarons

About Dr. Double A: Aabraham Aarons has been making sports predictions for decades (2). It should be noted that Dr. Double A is not a recognized doctor. It should also be noted that Dr. Double A sleeps quite a bit. And also, please note that the Doctor is outrageously mental.

Put on your basketcaps and call your bookie; Dr. Double A's prescription for predictions is coming up. I'm a Doctor when I write! It's just like when I sleep! I love sleep!

PACIFIC

1. Supersonics
2. Suns
3. Warriors
4. Kings
5. Trailblazers
6. Clippers
7. Lakers

I know these predictions may surprise some of you. The Kings over the Warriors? That's right. At first I thought Kings would dominate Warriors, but after a little research I learned that these were "Golden State Warriors." Golden fuckin State? Holy Shit. Where is that? Those must be some kick-ass warriors, ladies. The rest is pretty self-explanatory to you, I'm sure. I mean, it's self-explanatory to me, and I'm mental like, pretty badly. A Clipper is a pretty big boat. An ocean boat. And if you're just some dude who's used to lakes, you couldn't handle that boat. That boat? That boat would handle you.

MIDWEST

1. Grizzlies
2. Timberwolves
3. Rockets
4. Mavericks
5. Jazz
6. Spurs
7. Nuggets

This division is so weak that The Aabraham Aaronses would finish third. And I can only eat with spoons. The Mavericks are a team with bravado but not many weapons. The Spurs are a team with all weapons, but no-one to execute. If the whole team is Spurs, who throws the Spurs? Same goes for the "Rockets." Who fires these Rockets? I still put them in third place because I bet some hasty Maverick gets curious and accidentally does something with the Rockets. And okay, seriously, what's a Nugget going to do? Is it Chicken? Gold? Random nuggets? This team needs to be rethought entirely by the Nuggetmakers.

The Midwest will come down to two strong teams, the Timberwolves and the Grizzlies. Should be a good fight. But I don't think its safe to assume that a 'Grizzly' is a bear. Who says "Get this Grizzly off of me, the Grizzly is eating my face." You would say "Bearfuckbearbearowowowowowfaceowdead." I know their logo is a bear, but that may be just to trick you into thinking you're dealing with bears. Then you show up and you've got monsters on the court. Crafty monsters.

ATLANTIC

1. Wizards
2. Magic
3. Heat
4. Celtics
5. Knicks
6. 76ers
7. Nets

To find out what a 76er was, I did some research, and after typing in "76er -basketball" into Google all that came up was a highschool reunion for 1976ers, and a log of shit left in the can of some frathouse that was so big these idiots called it 'The 76er' and gave it a Web page. That being said, even a piece of poop could beat a Net. Seriously. And it was a huge piece of poop.

It all comes down to Wizards and Magic. And a Wizard controls Magic, so it seems pretty simple. But then I got to thinking, when was the last time you saw a Wizard defeat anything? A Wizard may dominate for a while but, come playoff time, a Wizard will always lose control. Too busy cackling or some shit. After the regular season is over, the Magic will prove more powerful. The Doctor knows what he's talking about, ladies.

CENTRAL

1. Raptors
2. Bulls
3. Pistons
4. Bucks
5. Pacers
6. Hawks
7. Hornets
8. Cavaliers

The tightest division in all of sports, ladies. How badly would you like to see these eight teams battle it out in an abandoned ranch? This division could go anywhere, but I say things like: to me, a Cavalier sounds like a "sell-out"; Hawks and Hornets, much like Jazz, are only capable of irritation; I would enjoy seeing an uppity Pacehorse get hoofwhupped by a Buck and a wild Pistonhorse; Bulls would be a tough team if it were a mix of Bulls and tough-guys named Bull who could corral the actual Bulls, pointing at things they should charge and shit; Raptors big claws/teeth combo wins Central Division.

I also learned that the winners of the Atlantic/Central faces the Pacific/Midwest. Holy shit, ladies. Do you know what that means? A classic NBA battle of MagicRaptors versus SupersonicGrizzlies. I can't wait. I'm gonna bang spoons on the coffee table and stare at the television box until that day. Also, Doctor Double A's predictions will remain the same for next year's season. And the next season after that. And the next. And I will not change them until a future expansion year when "The Tennessee Time," "The Jacksonville Ultimosupremedevilbarrybondsobots" or "The Miraculous Cure for Being Mental" are introduced into the league.

Final Notes About The Doctor: There is no Doctor. My name is Aaron Abrams and I wrote this. I'm not mental, but I do enjoy sleep quite a bit. I just thought it would be easier to dream of fantastic battles than the upcoming season because, you see, I don't handle reality so good. This reality? It handles me. And maybe, if I try hard enough, I'll sleep and dream right through a season of money-grubbing crybabies, gun-toting gangsters and attitude-ridden anti-heroes.

Goodnight ladies and sweet dreams.