Nicknames Schmicknames

by Aaron Abrams

'Silly Willy' played with his willy until it fell off.
Now they call him 'No Willy'
or 'Stupid Willy'
or 'Freaky Guy with No Willy Willy.'
So what's Willy gonna do?
'Willy' ain't got no Willy.
So Willy, he jumps off a roof.
Now they call him 'Suicide Willy'
or 'Jump 7 Stories Willy'
or 'Big Willy Rooftops'
or 'Crackerjack no Willy Firecrackers'
on account of him doin' it on the 4th of July and all.
Then they started callin' July 4th 'Willy's July 4th'
or 'No Willy's July 4th'
or 'The Day of the Rooftops'
or 'Willypendence Day.'
But then everybody starts committing suicide on that day
on account of the new name and all.
And it becomes 'The Day of A Thousand Jumpers'
or 'Death Day'
or 'Jump Day'
or 'Death-Jump Day'
or 'Day of Peaches and Steam'
on account of everybody jumping into steaming peaches and all.
I mean death becomes dull, yeah?
And who doesn't like a big bowl full of steaming peaches?
Well, 'T-Bone Eddie Bugnet' doesn't.
And 'The Mighty T' happens to be the ruler of all calendars.
So he changes 'The Day of Steaming Peach Jumping' to 'July'
on account that he likes the word
and 'July 4th' on account that 'July' is the 4th best word that he liked.
Then 'Ruler T-Bone Ed' changes his name to 'Mike'
on account that his mom chose it for him and all.
And the people follow.
And the world is sane and simple.
And as for 'Silly Willy'
or 'No Willy Willy'
or 'No Gilly like a Fish Willy?'
Well, he's forgotten.
Forgotten and happy.
Y'see 'Start the Ball Rollin' Willy,' he gets his final wish.
On his gravestone it reads:
'Here lies Bob'
on account of 'Bob' bein' his name and all.