The Numbers: Assorted Achievements From My Life

by Enis Esmer

1
Christian weddings attended
High school sports teams played on
Marriages broken up (directly)
Internet strippers I've seen at the bank
Times I've said "I thought this would be better" out loud during intercourse
Fights entered which I knew I could win (physical)
Stand-up rollercoasters I've stalled at Canada's Wonderland
Roommates I've caught masturbating to that "How Does It Feel" video by D'Angelo

2
Jewish weddings attended
NBA players I've prayed with
Marriages broken up (indirectly)
Cabs with Asian drivers
Muggings avoided by walking away after saying something unwittingly "cocky"
Girlfriends I've asked for a favour minutes after dumping them
Dunebuggy scars

3
Winter jackets lost while drunk
Serious punches from Somethingspace staff
Run-ins with law enforcement
Gay kisses
Farts at a funeral (audible)
Chances I gave Maestro Fresh Wes to remember my name before reminding him (he guessed "Enzal," "Esilavene," and "Visselvaline")

4
Mishandled opportunities to defend the honour of my lady
Jobs quit in lieu of being fired
Fires started
Anti-Pakistani racial slurs hurled my way
Goals allowed in my first two minutes as goalie in pickup hockey

5
Minutes my debut as goalie in pickup hockey lasted
Pairs of underwear buried under my cabin at summer camp
"Older" ladies pinching my ass
Farts at a funeral (total)