I'll Make You An Offer You May Well Refuse

by Liam Eagle

Have I got a deal for you! As you may know, I have a fairly extensive record collection, and I wouldn't hesitate a bit to say that I'm quite handy with a mix tape. Let's just say I've been doing the groundwork for a new "mega mix," that will include some of the greatest 70s funk and soul, 80s new wave and 90s indie alt-rock. And I'd be glad to whip you up a copy in exchange for a batch of those delicious brownies you make.

I'll give you five bucks if you eat this gummi bear I found in the couch.

Well, I really don't see any reason why you should have to pay the overdue charges. I mean, I could just forget about the whole thing. Hell, I'll even rewind it. All I ask of you is that you let me live in your garage for the next two weeks while I look for a new place.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours. I should probably mention that mine has been mangled.

I just happen to have an extra Paul Simon ticket, and I'd be glad to take you along. But perhaps you could do me a small favor and get rid of this gun.

I'll give you $42 dollars for one night with your wife. Will you accept my indecent proposal?

Listen, you don't really want to go spending all that money on your breast implants. I have this friend who can hook you up with a brand new set of boobs for $200, tops.

Taste this! It's disgusting!

Come work for my Internet startup, ewhatever.com. I can't offer you much money now, but what I can offer you is equity. It's a chance to be a shareholder, a part of the team. And it will really pay off in the long run.

Now, I know it seems like shoveling dung is a bad job. But let me tell you, there are some perks to it. For instance, all you've got to do is shovel out this barn, and you can keep as much dung as you like.

Love me. I'll be good to you. Just please love me.