The Opposite of Comedy

by Liam Eagle

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. It's great to be here. I just flew in from Chicago and boy, my legs are a little stiff from sitting in that seat for so long.

Hey. You know that expression "selling like hot cakes?" That's a great expression. I bet hot cakes sell really well.

And something else that's great is Temptation Island! Emotionally charged, sexually exciting, and true to life.

Speaking of TV, I completely understand why the professor couldn't fix the boat on Gilligan's Island. Fixing boat-holes is no easy task. And any man who can fashion a radio from a coconut certainly deserves our respect.

Take my wife, for example.

How about Britney Spears? I think its great that she has achieved so much without ever getting a boob job or having sex.

You've really got to respect Michael Jackson. Think of everything he's done for the children. What a charmer!

With all the differences between black people and white people, I think one attribute they both share in exactly the same degree is coolness.

You know what I love? Boy bands.

Boy, one guy that I really feel for is OJ. The man is innocent. It was proven in a court of law.

I love it when I'm watching football, and they show a tampon ad. Walking on the beach, talking about freshness-that makes a lot of sense to me.

You know when you're at the airport, and they ask you if you packed your own luggage? Good question!

Sometimes my girlfriend seems angry, but when I ask "what's wrong honey" she says "nothing." Whew!

So I recently became a father. But I decided not to make a lot of jokes about parenthood.

My parents are really proud of me.

I love them.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I'm probably not going to be back.