A Night at the Oscars - Three Six-Line Scenes
by Aaron Abrams
ONE
(Somewhere on the red carpet, before the ceremony)
JOAN RIVERS: Halle Berry, that is an amazing gown. And an amazing diamond. And you are amazing. This is the most amazing night for you, for me and for the entire human population of the world. And also for E! Entertainment. If you win the Oscar, it will free us all from the judging eyes of Hollywood. Take me for example: because of Hollywood saying I was too old, I had to have the doctors take out my tear ducts and put them in my breasts.
HALLE BERRY: I'm not old though, Joan. I'm black.
JOAN RIVERS: That's right. You be strong girlfriend. And If you win tonight, it will mean Hollywood no longer judges people based on their looks. Except me. That Ugly Fuckbitch Garafalo. What an ugly fuckbitch.
HALLE BERRY: I'm not ugly though, Joan. I'm black
JOAN RIVERS: I have no soul
HALLE BERRY: You're crying. From your breasts. That's amazing.
TWO
(Immediately following the ceremony)
DENZEL WASHINGTON: This place is a zoo. You know where I can find an usher, son?
THE USHER: I'm an usher. Follow me, Mr. Washington, sir. And, um... I'd like to thank you for opening so many doors with your victory tonight.
DENZEL WASHINGTON: Thank you, son. You studying to be an actor?
THE USHER: I have studied. For more than ten years now, all over the world. And after tonight, doors will be opened for all us black actors, don't you think? Doors will be opened to more challenging roles? Doors will be opened so talented young black actors like myself don't have to take odd jobs to make ends meet? Don't you think?
DENZEL WASHINGTON: I really don't know, son. Keep your fingers crossed. Maybe one day you can win an Oscar.
THE USHER: I have. I'm Cuba Gooding Jr. Let me open that door for you.
THREE
(In a secluded corner of an after party, over some drinks)
HALLE BERRY: With this win tonight, I've been offered the role as the new James Bond henchman. Her name is Africanina Van Cramhole. They said they liked me in Swordfish. It must get better... right guys?
WILL SMITH: I'm deciding between 'Funny Blackguy' vs. Aliens, 'Funny Blackguy' vs. Government, or 'Training Day 2: Training Days'. So I guess I've got that going for me... I guess. How bout you Denzel?
DENZEL WASHINGTON: I'm going to play 'Black Boxer' in 'Ali 2: The Hurricane'. So I guess I've got that going for me... I guess. How bout you Whoopi?
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: I hear that Billy Crystal, Steve Martin and Robin Williams will all be uninterested again in hosting next year. So I've got that going for me, I guess. How bout you guy? I'm sorry, what's your name?
CUBA GOODING JR: Doesn't matter.
SIDNEY POITIER: I don't do movies anymore. I moved out of this motherfucking racist town. That's what I got going for me. Pass the champagne.
