Pet Horoscopes

by Liam Eagle

ARIES: March 21-April 19

You're going to spend a lot of time laying around this week. You'll probably move around a bit, too. Then more laying.

TAURUS: April 20-May 20

If you behave yourself, there may be a cookie, or something, in store for you this week..

GEMINI: May 21- June 21

You will spend some time smelling something this week. Possibly a part of yourself.

CANCER: June 22-July 22

You may begin to doubt your own snuggliness. Don't. You are still undeniably snuggly.

LEO: July 23-August 22

A long walk this week will provide you with a chance to see the neighborhood and catch up with old friends. Also, use this time to relieve yourself.

VIRGO: August 23-September 22

Proper etiquette would seem to dictate that you refrain from licking yourself. The stars, however, are not so reserved. "Lick away," they say. "Have you tried the genitals?"

LIBRA: September 23-October 22

What was that? Didn't you hear it? I thought I heard something, but I guess it was nothing.

SCORPIO: October 23-November 21

GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

SAGITTARIUS: November 22-December 21

Be impulsive this week. Don't think about the repercussions of your actions. Eat something expensive. Climb something you probably can't get down from. Bite somebody.

CAPRICORN: December 22-January 19

You know what might be fun? Digging a hole.

AQUARIUS: January 20-February 18

You may be forced to reconsider your unconditional adoration of the person that cares for you this week, when you are forced to wear a bow or a ridiculous sweater, or something.

PISCES: February 19-March 20

Hey! Why not check out what's behind that plastic scuba diver this week?