Practical Jokes 604: Advanced Retaliatory Pranks
by Justin Anderson
The purpose of this seminar is to explore the advanced retaliations when you find yourself the victim of a beginner- or intermediate-level practical joke. Following are three scenarios, and the advanced methods for getting back at the practical joker. The most important consideration is to ensure that your friends and acquaintances tell other people about how good you got him or her, and not vice versa.
SCENARIO 1:
The Situation: While you were sleeping, your roommate dipped your hand in a bowl of warm water. You awoke to find, much to your chagrin, that you wet your bed.
The Solution: First, sneak into your "roomie"’s room and steal some of his clothes. Then steal his wallet. Put on the clothes and go out in the middle of the night and kill a wino. Torch the clothes, except for the shirt, which you leave buried in a shallow grave with the wino’s corpse. Sneak back into your place when your "pal" is asleep. The next day, call the police and tell them you heard him come in late last night.
The Punchline: Your "old buddy" won’t be laughing so hard when he wakes up either.
SCENARIO 2:
The Situation: Another floor in your dorm is "at war" with the floor you live on. It seems that the last round of hostilities climaxed with them leaning an oversized plastic garbage bin filled with medical waste from the nursing school across campus against you door and knocking. When you opened the door, the front half of your room was covered in used condoms and dirty needles.
The Solution: Find out where Floor Seven’s leader’s girlfriend goes to school (you think you heard at a party she takes social work at another local college). Track her down and tell her that you accidentally walked in on him having sex with your 16-year-old sister when you went home to see your parents last week. Then, when she’s all upset and crying, tell her you feel bad too. Take her out for a few drinks, and before you know it, her pain and confusion will have mixed with the alcohol and transformed into an urge to get back at him.
The Punchline: Floor Seven won’t be laughing when it finds Polaroids of its leader’s girlfriend giving you a blowjob taped to every door on the floor. Well, they'll be laughing, but at him, not you.
SCENARIO 3:
The Situation: Your best friend thought it would be funny if she slipped some worms from the bait shop into the Chinese food she so thoughtfully offered to pick up for your birthday. You ended up vomiting for over an hour and she laughed the whole time.
The Solution: After you’ve had your stomach pumped and waited long enough for her to not be suspicious, get the car and wait for her outside the Gap where she works. When her shift is over and she’s on her way through the parking lot, run her over.
The Punchline: When you’re in traction with several broken ribs, laughing at the eating worms gag hurts like a bitch. And that's if she's even still alive!
