I Propose the Following Common-Sense Amendments to the Generally Accepted Morality Regarding Littering

by Liam Eagle

PRECISE PLACEMENT

An object that does not touch the ground can not reasonably be considered litter. For example, a Burger King cup placed on a newspaper box or tree branch has hardly been cast aside callously. Instead, it has been precisely arranged, and could just as easily be considered art or thoughtful social commentary.

COMPOUND LITTERING

A discarded object placed inside another discarded object, for example a candy wrapper placed inside an abandoned shoe, has clearly not affected the amount of space taken up in the world by litter. It therefore can not be considered litter because, in practical terms, it does not exist.

PROXIMITY OF DISCARDER

If the person discarding an object is no longer present when the object hits the ground, the discarder can not be reasonably expected to know the whereabouts of the object. For example, a dirty diaper thrown from the window of a moving vehicle will likely land on the highway shoulder. But it just as easily could land directly in a garbage can, or catch a gust of wind and be redirected into outer space. It may also disintegrate in the air.

UNSUCCESSFUL DISPOSAL

An empty pop can thrown at a garbage bin from across a high-school cafeteria, for example, represents a genuine effort at acceptable disposal. Such a situation is more accurately described as an unsuccessful disposal than as littering.

TRANSFER OF RESPONSIBILITY

An object disposed of in such a way that it is clearly in the possession of a third party then becomes the responsibility of that party. For example, when the bag of dog shit I placed on the rear bumper of your car falls on the street as you back out of your driveway, that's your fault.

BLIND DONATION

Any object that could conceivably be imagined to have any value for anybody, anywhere should not be considered litter, but rather a contribution to an as-yet-unknown recipient. A half-full Slurpee left on the steps of the YMCA could easily turn out to be a refreshing treat for a thirsty jogger, or maybe for a bum or dog.

CAMOUFLAGE

If the object being discarded matches the color of the surface it lands on, it can not be reasonably considered litter. For example, it could easily be argued that a piece of paper thrown into a snow bank has become part of the snow bank, and therefore was never discarded. In fact, it may never have existed in the first place.

DECORATING

An object placed anywhere with the stated intent or unintentional effect of beautifying that area, like a broken hot water bottle stuck on a fence post, can not realistically be considered litter. In the former case, even if the effect is not beautifying, the act is a failed attempt at decorating, at worst.

FOUNDING A DUMP

The act of piling up a stack of cardboard Big Mac containers in the woods might be considered littering under some circumstances, but it could also be considered an effort to initiate a dump. Every dump has to start with a little bit of trash. And somebody, somewhere has to step up and put that little bit of trash somewhere.

NIGHTTIME

Any object discarded at night, or at least in darkness, can not be considered litter. I mean, no fair, man.