Random Items from my Apartment Review Straight-to-Video Movies

by Aaron Abrams

TELEVISION: Everyone calm down. Please. I'm starting to freak over here.

COUCH: This shit is so motherfucking sweetass. Free Pay-Per-View for a whole week. Television; you shut your fuzzbox and do as we command you or I'll squeeze a pillow full of beerfarts right in your speaker, I swear to god.

OLD SOFA-CHAIR: Woooo! Holy Shit! Pay-per-view? More like Free-per-view! Wooooo!

FAN: But look at the channel they gave us. There's not a real movie on it. Not one of these stinkers was in a theater.

CONNECT 4 GAME: Hey, hey, hey. It's not all bad there, the fan. There were some big actors in that 'Texas Rangers.' It had 'Dawson's Creek' Kid, 'The Practice' Guy and 'That 70's Show' Dude.

LAMPSHADE: I don't get why it wasn't in theaters. It was considerably better than that 'American Outlaws.' And that's just being real wit you.

OLD SOFA-CHAIR: Wooooo! I love Scott Caan! Wooooo!

SPECTACLES: Excuse me, but did any one of you morons think for a second about why they gave us this free channel for a week? Think! It's so the cable company can get you all addicted. Like the hot dog man who parked his cart outside the high school at lunch time and gave a free pop with a cheap sausage. Everyone got fuckin hooked. Then he started charging four bucks and shit. Abrams was like a crackhead for sausages.

WALLET: I remember it well. The great emptiness of '94.

COUCH: I'm like a crackhead. Only for Baldwins.

DARTBOARD: I can't figure out why they named that movie 'Double Bang' except the fact that there are 'Double Baldwins.' Adam (Serial-killer-lookin Baldwin; the fifth one) takes on Billy (Boyish-handsome Baldwin; dropped to 4th in the rotation) in a 'cop drama' where the only reason I watched the whole thing was to try to decide which Baldwin would win the popularity contest going on in my brain.

MISSING DART: Adam won in a cakewalk. . . mainly cuz there was less of him.

UNUSED TEXTBOOK: Question: how boring is this movie? Fact: this is the only action movie in history where the good guy kills the bad guy by tricking him into eating poison. Answer: fuckin boring-ass double boring bang.

COUCH: But Dudes! It did have a kung-fu pimp fighting four homeless guys. That rocked. That was some wicked pimpchops that dude whipped out.

CONNECT 4 GAME: Hey, hey, hey. I believe my friend the couch was also referring to 'Protection' starring Stephen Baldwin (Boyish-ugly Baldwin and shockingly the number two).

LAMPSHADE: I thought this movie was a little more watchable. It was bad, but you gotta give it some props. And that's just being real wit you.

BLOODHOUND GANG CD: That movie 'Highway,' with Jared Leto, didn't need to be made. It was an average roadmovie, no classic by any means.

CANNONBALL RUN DVD: True Dat.

OLD SOFA-CHAIR: Woooo! Jared Leto! He looks like a pretty girl sometimes!

FRAMED PHOTO OF THE HULKSTER: I would like to talk about that Treat Williams movie 'Venomous' we saw. Military bred, virus infected snakes unleashed when an earthquake occurs. So bad, it's good. Then bad again. Then terrible. Terrible forever, brothers.

FAN: Treat Williams should change his name to whatever the oppisite of 'treat' is. Like 'Sour Taste Williams.'

COUCH: But Dudes! The fuckin snakes won! The snakes would crawl through the toilet to bite naked chicks in the shower! Ssssssclever! I bet that snake learned that shit in the military!

CONNECT 4 GAME: Hey, hey, hey. There was one movie they gave us that did have a theatrical release. 'Life as a House' starring Kevin Kline.

Pause.

COMPUTER: I know we're not really a house. But we all know how bullshit that movie was right?

ALL: YES.

FAN: Kevin Kline should get it over with and wear a fuckin John Barrymore ascot already.

SPECTACLES: I guess the cable company failed in its evil plans. There is no way anyone could get hooked on these crappy-ass movies. Abrams is totally in the clear. . .

ALARM CLOCK: HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

OLD SOFA-CHAIR: Woooooo! It's time! Midnight Porn! Wooooo!

COUCH: All in favor of watching a buttload of free porn?

ALL: Aye!

COUCH: All opposed?

BASEBALL GLOVE: I wanna watch Baseball.

COUCH: The Ayes have it!

RUBBERS: You guys are a bunch of weak-ass motherfuckers.

LAMPSHADE: Yo dudes. Rubbers is just keepin it a real wit you. Fo sho.

TELEVISION: We should watch out. When they take all this free porn away, it'll make Abrams a crackhead for sure.

OLD SOFA-CHAIR: Wooooo?

SPECTACLES: We don't even like porn. What are we doing? Why are we getting it?

Pause.

COUCH: I'm like a crackhead. Only for boobs.