Rent-A-Legacy: Available Quotes Guaranteed To Immortalize Celebrities

by Enis Esmer

"There's good actors, and there's good livers. But good actors never have good livers."

"I don't have to be in love with a script to do the movie. It's like a marriage that way."

"When the going gets tough, the rich get some kind of cosmetic surgery."

"If I had a dollar for every time I whored myself in this town, I'd have about 50 dollars."

"The people you meet on the way up will probably not let you bang them. But once you're at the top, it's bang city, and you're the mayor. Then, as you begin your descent, that bangage will steadily decrease, until you're back at the bottom, and all you've got left is one of those hand-held fake vaginas and a tape of you with the chick who played Sydney on Melrose Place."

"To me, the formula is simple: Copy Eddie Murphy's movies."

"Every morning I look in the mirror and I ask myself, 'Are you the best actor named Matt in the cast of Friends?' Most days, the answer is no."

"What this picture needs is a talking pug in a suit."

"He's good, but he's not Ashton Kutcher good."

"If they could promise me it wasn't camera-between-my-knees kind of shots, I would do it. I think it's empowering."

"My only regret is turning down Money Train 2. And maybe killing my wife."

"C'mon, Britney, just the tip."

"Ooh, look at me, I'm being all scary now because people hated Patch Adams."

"Beating my substance abuse problem has really shown me how to beat a substance abuse problem, which is good to know for next time."

"A little less 'terroristy', Mr. Esmer."

"I don't get it. Female tennis players are all so dykey".

"No way, Justin. I'm staying a virgin. It's bum or nothing."

"You know what's great about having an inordinate amount of undeserved wealth, a warped, bloated sense of self-worth, and an abundance of extra time on my hands? I get a lot of People covers."

"Sorry, Mr. Haim, without your stamp card, I can't give you your free bagels."

"Fine, you can play Daredevil. Just put some goddamn pants on."

"I bet if I was Feldman, you'd give me my fucking bagels."

"I don't know dude, a column of fake quotes sounds pretty weak."

"In this business, you have to fight for what you want. And what I want is one of those fake vaginas. And that tape of Dan Aykroyd with that Sydney chick from Melrose Place."