Sir Sizemore and Lady Heidi: Study Notes for a Classic Tale of Whorelove

by Aaron Abrams

CHARACTERS

Sir Thomas Sizemore, An ambitious middle aged man.
Grand Madame Heidi Fliess, The Queen of Whoresafayette.
King Charles, The King of Whoresafayette.
Lord H. Grant, A Suitor.
Lady Divine, A lower Class Madam.
Sir Edward of Murphytown, A Suitor.
Whorey LaLaNoname, A Man-Madam.

SCENE
Outside Sir Thomas Sizemore's Golden Chariot.

PROLOGUE

Summary:
Sir Thomas Sizemore enters. He relates the sorrowful consequences of the quest of Black Hawk Down. He later speaks of his friendship with Lord Robert DeNiro which lends Sizemore credibility among the villagers. Thomas then delivers a long aside, informing the audience that these speeches are only intended to lure out various madams from the countryside.

Lady Divine Brown enters, unaware of Sir Thomas' insane, insatiable appetite for midnight ladies. Brown speaks of her secret relationship with Lord Hughbert Grant, exclaiming "He tastes like British." Lady Brown accepts Sizemores' invitation into his carriage. Sizemore delivers another aside, informing us that he is seducing Brown for her ticket to the 'WhoreBabys Ball,' where he can meet Grand Madame Heidi Fliess, the Queen of Whoresafayette, with whom Thomas is in love, though he has never met her.

As his golden chariot rides gallantly into the night, Sizemore utters the lines

'Oh, To be this happy always.
The Moon is as full,
as My Heart is of love..."

He then smokes crackrock and cums all over the place. "He tastes like Macho." Divine Brown exclaims.

SCENE
The King's Grand WhoreCastle, Whoresafayette; The WhoreBaby's Ball

ACT ONE

Summary:
King Charles Sheen makes his royal entrance with his bonersceptre, to uproarious applause from the crowd. All revere the king. Sheen then delivers a monologue assuring that he will never relinquish his throne for he is truly the most "Whoretastic." To prove this, he ushers in his beautiful whorelebrity queen Heidi. She looks glamorous and shining, "Like the Moon in full twilight" whispers Sizemore. King Charles then eats her ass right out. "Y'see?! Y'see?!" he exclaims to the onlookers.

Sizemore has seen enough. He can no longer withhold his secret. But before he can profess his love for the queen and his manic obsession with strumpets, he is interrupted by Lord Hughbert Grant, who challenges Sheen to a duel. Sheen frantically caresses Heidi, while Lord Hugh grabs Lady Divine, pays her handsomely and begins to charismaticly caress as well. Grant quickly loses the duel, when he is exposed for being of unroyal firmness. He is stripped of his popular relevance until it is returned years later by Julia of Notting Hill.

Again, Sizemore is about to declare his insanity for the queen when he is interruputed. This time by Sir Eddie of Murphytown, who challenges the now-exhausted Sheen to the same contest. Sheen begins to re-stroke his whorestress while Eddie grabs his escort of the evening; a Miss Whorey LaLaNoName. Eddie quickly loses the duel when Miss Whorey proves her firmness, reveling her as a Mr. Lady. Eddie attempts to deny the entire incident, but is unsuccessful. He too is stripped of his relevance, until Sizemore's own friend, Lord DeNiro, restores it by undergoing the trials of showtime, simply standing next to Sir Eddie for two hours.

Finally, Sir Sizemore speaks up and defeats the King in a whore challenge that would be forever remembered by the kingdom. His mastery of whoreholing is unparalleled. He holds the bonersceptre high and looks into the eyes of his love for the first time. She stands silent before him. Fear escalates in the crowd and in the eyes of Sir Thomas. But a surprise is revealed. As Sizemore is insane for the love of whores, so Queen Heidi is insane for the love of a legitimate man. Heidi delivers a speech of unbridled happiness to her new king.

"We are now complete, as the Moon is full,
You; A Whore-Crazy FatCat LoverMan,
And I; SuperWhore Deluxe3000,
Stand as one, a Match made in Hollywood...."

END OF ACT ONE

SCENE
A Dirty Lavatory.

ACT TWO

Summary:
This surprisingly short act, begins with a speech given by King Sizemore as he gazes upon his new bride, Queen Heidi, calling her 'More whoregeous than ever...' The Queen is startled by this speech because her husband happens to be laying pipe all over seven whorebitchwhores at the time. "But the moon? T'was full..." The queen pleads. The King retorts "If lovin' whores is wrong, then call me a criminal for soliciting sex from whores." She freaks. He shrugs. They part.

END OF ACT TWO

CURTAIN