Sniper News Roundup
by Enis Esmer
After weeks of tireless effort, authorities finally apprehended the snipers who had been terrorizing parts of Maryland, Virginia, the United States, and Earth over the past month. But the police weren’t the only people hard at work throughout this ordeal. The American news media were also busy, reporting each and every event from the front lines of the sniper saga.
Even when there was no actual news to report, the news media continued diligently manipulating the most inconsequential facts and miscellaneous speculative tidbits into around-the-clock, need-to-know coverage, ensuring the masses were kept well-informed and scared to shit.
As a tribute to the tireless efforts of these newsmakers, this column summarizes essential news on the sniper case, some of which may have been missed during the mad rush to inform you, the viewer, of every possible bit of potentially relevant data that could be used to feed your irrational fears.
4, 899,160, 515 People Not Gunned Down By Sniper In Maryland
Reports confirmed that almost 5 billion people were not gunned down earlier today in another apparent sniper attack in the state of Maryland, bringing the total count of people not killed by snipers in the Maryland and Virginia area in the past month to an incredible 6.3 billion, not including those born since these latest reports.
Breaking News: “Your Children Are Fine”
Contrary to the Maryland sniper’s warning that “your children are not safe anywhere, at any time,” a local babysitter was reported as saying, “your children are fine. Jeremy’s watching Elimidate, and I put Erin to bed an hour ago. I think she had too much root beer, and she pretty much crashed right after dinner.”
Chief Moose, Others Might Be Idiots
Montgomery County Police Chief Charles Moose might not be the sharpest blade in the knife rack. In addition, many alleged sniper experts, from retired cops to retired patrolmen, might not really know what they’re talking about. One network executive said, “That last guy we had on, the retired navy seal, he seemed a bit senile.” As for Chief Moose, one insider said, “What kind of name is Chief Moose? He sounds like a bumbling cartoon character. I half expect him to come out with his head stuck in a bucket. I’m just saying.”
Blind People Face Death At Every Turn
According to a recent online poll, the blind and visually impaired in and around the Montgomery County, Md. area have been seen shopping for groceries, going to the gas station, and generally conducting business as usual. In an exclusive interview, one man said, “I’m blind. Anyone could easily sneak up on me and kill me at any time. And I’m supposed to be afraid of a goddamned sniper?” What effect this apparent lack of fear will have on the morale and proficiency of the sniper is yet to be determined.
Breaking News: TV’s Can Be Turned Off
You know that button on your remote control labeled “power”? If you press that while your television is on, it will turn off. In a related story, you have much better things to do than sit at home following the sniper story 24/7. What the hell are you so worried about? You live in Ottawa, for god’s sake.
