Some Ideas for Wrestlers
by Justin Anderson
Here's a confession (and it occurs to me now that you Somethingspace readers probably feel like you know me as well as you care to at this point): I watch wrestling. Or, at least, I used to.
Without getting into it too much - I really doubt many of you are particularly interested in exactly why - wrestling really doesn't hold my interest very much anymore. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I grew out of it or anything. I can still intellectually slum with the best of 'em. But there's just something about wrestling nowadays . . . it just seems really, well, stale to me. I feel like I've already seen everything done by more hilarious and/or talented people.
One of the great things about wrestling, I always thought, was the gimmicks. And I think that's why wrestling's so boring to me now. It's all a bunch of guys who try to act cool and tough - both good guys and bad guys - all the time, and none of them have any easily identifiable hooks. Where are the wrestling dentists, plumbers, race car drivers and guitar virtuosos?
If pro wrestling wants to win this fan back, its gonna have to get back into the gimmicks. I've got a couple of ideas for some that I'll give away to you, the reader, for nothing.
Don't say I never did anything for you, bastards.
THE CHEF
HIS STORY: This former culinary mastermind has turned his back on the world of five-star gourmet dining to unleash five-star gourmet ass-whuppings in the squared circle. Also: he's French.
PLAN OF ATTACK: Overwhelms opponents with flavourful high-flying offense.
FAVOURED FOREIGN OBJECT: Cast-iron soup ladle.
FINISHING MOVE: The Secret Ingredient (fisherman's suplex)
CATCHPHRASE: "Tonight, for your main course . . . AGONY!"
THE FORMER DOT.COM BILLIONAIRE
HIS STORY: Ten years ago he was a student; five years ago he was a 22-year-old worth $1.5 billion; three years ago he was broke. Now he's taking his aggression out in the ring.
PLAN OF ATTACK: Convinces his opponents that his offence is more deadly than it really is.
FAVOURED FOREIGN OBJECT: Giant Nerf gun; throws hackey-sack beans into opponents' eyes.
FINISHING MOVE: The IPO - Incredibly Painful Offering (inverted DDT from the top turnbuckle)
CATCHPHRASE: "I could have bought and sold you a hundred times earlier when I was rich. But now I'll have to settle for beating your ass!"
THE STAND-UP COMEDIAN
HIS STORY: He used to crack jokes for a living . . . now he cracks skulls!
PLAN OF ATTACK: Throws opponents off-balance by making humorous, if hackneyed, observations about dating, women, reality television and life's minutiae.
FAVOURED FOREIGN OBJECT: Microphone stand.
FINISHING MOVE: The Punchline (punch to groin).
CATCHPHRASE: "When I go out on stage tonight, I'm going to kill . . . YOU!"
THE GAY PORN CASTING AGENT
HIS STORY: He's looking for a few good men . . . very good men.
PLAN OF ATTACK: Primarily a defensive wrestler; sizes opponents up by letting them apply most of their holds, and then gives an evaluation after the match.
FAVOURED FOREIGN OBJECT: Your latent homosexuality and the blatant gayness of wrestling.
FINISHING MOVE: The Callback (shooting star press)
CATCHPHRASE: "Hey, if you wanna make a little extra dough . . ."
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
HER STORY: Shattering one man's hopes and dreams gave her a taste for blood . . . now she's after the title.
PLAN OF ATTACK: Lulls me into a false sense of security by making me believe there's something worth living for in this cold, harsh world and then reducing me to a shell of a human being.
FAVOURED FOREIGN OBJECT: My will to live.
FINISHING MOVE: Dumping me (space flying tiger drop)
CATCHPHRASE: "I don't think this is working anymore, Justin. I'm sorry."
