Some Amusing "Episodes" From my Life
by Justin Anderson
I've seen and done a lot in my days, and I'd even venture to say I've seen and done more than most people. Yes sir, I've had lots of wacky adventures and found myself in plenty of sticky situations. And because I'm nothing if not generous, I thought I'd brighten up your weary existence by sharing some of the more interesting "episodes" of my life.
I remember once, my editor at the newspaper I used to work for went on vacation to Hawaii for two weeks and left me in charge of his pet armadillo. Of course, I didn't have a clue how to properly take care of an armadillo, and I was too busy ogling his young, hot trophy wife when he was explaining it to me, and given that he was always telling me how attentive and quick on the uptake I was, I didn't have the courage to ask him how to go over it again. So anyway, after about the third day of taking care of the armadillo, it ended up dying. Now I don't know if it was that paint can he ended up drinking half of or the car I accidentally backed over it, but one morning I woke up at my editor's mansion and Herbie was deader than disco. So now it was up to me to get my hands on a new armadillo. I hocked some of my editor's wife's jewellery, bought a plane ticket to Texas and went a-huntin'. A few hours of digging around and several scorpion stings later, I grabbed a new armadillo and headed back, only to find my editor had come home early because of an allergic reaction to coconut milk! Needless to say, I was fired.
After a few months of living on the street, I managed to find another job as a live-in housekeeper for this beautiful but uptight businesswoman. It was pretty cool, 'cause she let both me and my daughter stay in her big house, and her son was only a couple of years younger. This one time she and I got stranded out in the middle of nowhere (I forget where we were and why we were there), but we managed to find this tiny little motel. They only had one room left, but it had two beds. At this point I'd been living with this woman for a few months, and there was sexual tension like fucking crazy, especially the time I accidentally walked in on her in the shower. Anyway, there's only one pair of pyjamas between us, so she takes the top and I take the pants. We also hang a bedsheet up between the beds so we have some privacy and stuff, but also because we're always bickering and stuff - I'm a streetwise, blue-collar dude and she's a snobby, upper-class yuppie. At the end of the night we came close to kissing, but we didn't. But the whole episode did bring us closer together in a way, and we both learned to appreciate where the other was coming from a little better. And later we fucked, in a couple of seasons. And my daughter grew up to be ridiculously hot.
Eventually I moved out, and moved in to this little apartment. One time my buddy Wayne got caught jerking off in his parents' house, and his mom went all batshit and fell down some stairs or something and hurt her back. So when he told us this, me and my pals decided to have this contest to see who could go the longest without masturbating. The problem was, I was dating this virgin, so she was really reluctant to sleep with me, which was driving me nuts because I wanted to win the contest but couldn't get off any other way. And to make matters worse, this woman moved in to the building across the street from my apartment and she was a nudist. My pal Jackson got all worked up looking at the naked woman, and had to run to his apartment next door and jerk off, so he was out. Then our girl-buddy Eleanor was in an exercise class with JFK Jr., which was pretty crazy 'cause he's dead, but she was getting all worked up too and eventually she was out. Then Wayne was at the hospital visiting his mother, and this really hot nurse started giving this really hot chick patient a sponge bath, but he managed to hold on and win the contest, but that wasn't really mentioned until a later episode.
A few years later I got back in touch with a bunch of former military buddies I was in 'Nam with. We'd been accused of a crime we didn't commit, broke out of a military prison and started hiring ourselves out as soldiers of fortune. The guys were pretty cool, and the nature of our line of work meant we were constantly getting into trouble. Once we got hired by this group of small town folk because there was this corrupt sheriff or factory owner or something. I think he may have been running guns to the Commies too, but I'm not sure. Anyway, we got into this really cool shoot-out, and then Hannibal jumped off a bridge onto a jeep and punched some dudes, and Face was all, "Hey, don't punch my pretty face!" and Murdock said or did something crazy and then Mr. T wouldn't stop shooting so Hannibal had to knock him out and throw him in the truck. Then some shit exploded. It was all pretty bad-ass.
