My Office Stationary Reviews Spider-Man
by Justin Anderson
PEN: Finally saw that Spider-Man movie last night.
ERASER: Oh yeah? What’d you think?
PEN: It was okay.
PAPERCLIPS: You didn’t like it? I thought it was awesome.
PEN: I didn’t say I didn’t like it. I just thought . . .
PAPERCLIPS: The swinging was cool.
PEN: Yeah, the swinging was cool. But all that CGI . . . I mean, whatever happened to, you know, acting?
ERASER: I know what you mean. It's like, they spend all that money on a movie and the actors, and almost all of his scenes in costume were computer generated.
PEN: Yeah, they spent over a hundred million dollars on the movie, you’d think they’d be able to come up with a script that doesn’t make me want to wretch. I mean some of that dialogue was laughable. And not in a good way.
ERASER: It’s a shame that for all the money that movie cost, they could have made, like, ten smaller, better movies.
FLOPPY DISK: Hey, come on, it was a movie for kids and teens. What, were you seriously expecting Citizen Kane? It’s Spider-Man, for chrissakes.
PEN: I just think that for ten bucks or fifteen bucks or whatever they’re charging nowadays, I shouldn’t have to settle. I don’t think it's unreasonable pay my expect to be entertained without being insulted.
PAPERCLIPS: What, you’re saying it wasn’t entertaining? It was a big, dumb popcorn movie.
ERASER: What’s wrong with making a big, smart popcorn movie? Like The Matrix?
PEN: Yeah. Memento proved you could be entertaining and smart. It’s not that difficult.
FLOPPY DISK: Dude, it was a movie about a guy with "spider-powers" who runs around in a red and blue bodycondom. Seven Samurai it ain’t.
PEN: Can you stop it with the classic film references? Please?
ERASER: I thought Green Goblin looked like a Power Ranger.
FLOPPY DISK: Yeah, but Willem Dafoe was great.
PEN: Shit, how about that Kirsten Dunst? That scene with her in the wet T-shirt? HELLO!
PAPERCLIPS: Man, did you see Star Wars yet? Natalie Portman is HOT. That part where she was in the tight white shirt with no bra? Holy shit . . .
ERASER: Yeah, I know . . .
PAPERCLIPS: Shhhhhhhh, I’m masturbating.
